Frankenweenie

Go fuck yourself, Burton.

If I take one thing seriously, it’s being a DudeUncleBro. It’s a large task, ya know. Being an uncle. Making sure my nieces and nephews grow up to be ballers, not nerds. In many respects it’s a harder job than being a parent. Pfft, all parents have to worry about is homework and making sure they don’t die. I have to worry about important shit: when to show them Star Wars, making sure they don’t talk about their stamp collect, and knowing how to use monkey bars properly.

Big task, huge.

Part of the task is also screening movies before the LittleDudeBros, so I can make sure they don’t see shit like Madagascar. No, They gotta see cool shit, shit that means something. Cause, not to sound like a total pussy, but kids films should teach some kind of moral. I mean, what’s the fucking point if it’s not to fill their wee little heads with wee important thoughts. It is with this basis in mind that I’m ready to shit all over Frankenweenie.

Frankenweenieis about a kid whose dog dies. So he uses the power of science to bring him back to life. But his classmates are all

so they, like, use science to mutate their pets. And, because it’s a children’s movie, wacky shenanigans ensue.

But the problem is: there’s a scattershot theme of morals that just don’t jibe together. Morals like: pets are important, science is important, but, most of all, disobeying adults works out only if you’re nice.

First up: I love that there was a section of this film that promoted science. We need more scientists and most kiddie films only promote being an idiot musician. Fuck musicians, mathematicians and scientists are way cooler and won’t make you look like a loser at an American Idol tryout.

They should have stuck with that moral. BAM, kids grow up thinking science can do bad ass things like create a giant monster turtle. Instead, they give that moral up halfway though and just stuck with the idea that you can do horrible things as long as your good.

Seriously, that’s the main takeaway from this stupid movie. The main kid gets to disobey everyone and things magically work out just because he’s nice. Things don’t end up as well for his peers, who are all mean and all end up with hideous freaky pets that want to kill everyone. (Which, don’t get me wrong, I like watching anything that involves killing.)

But, eh, it just bothers me this little shit can play God, bring back his dog, and consequences only happen to people he knows. All because, according to the movie, he loves his dog. But that’s stupid too because his peers love their pets equally. See, the whole movie is a mess of ideas thrown at the wall like spaghetti.

Needless to say, I’m not taking my little nieces and nephews to this turd.

Grade: C-

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