A Guide To Making It Out Of The Hobbit Alive

Oh my God, he looks happy. I think he made it out. HOW?!?!?!?! Tell me how you got out of this movie!!!!!!

So you’ve found yourself stuck in the unending abyss that is The Hobbit The Desolation Of Smaug. Maybe you got here by accident, thought you were walking into Medea’s Christmas Fun Time or whatever. Maybe you purposely paid money to feel your butt gradually numb over an undetermined amount of hours. Maybe you’re like me, and just want to fuck someone who wants to see The Hobbit, and you’ve made it here for their sake. Whatever the case, you’re stuck, for like, ever, and I’m here to help you survive.

FOOD:

First of, you’ll need food. And, no, I’m not talking about popcorn or Snowcaps or whatever shitty junk your local theater provides. This is an endurance test, damn it, your body needs real live nutrients if it’s going to survive The Hobbit. It needs a sandwich.

Now, of course the toppings are up to you. I personally like a turkey and ham combo with just a tiny spread of guac and provolone cheese on seven grain bread. It’s hearty and will hit the spot around hour five. But don’t get cocky man, it’s dark in that theater. You don’t want something sloppy like a French Dip. Or something that’ll stink up the joint like a tuna melt. No way man, this sandwich isn’t for savoring. It’s solely there to make sure you don’t die before the credits roll. So choose your toppings wisely.

DRINKS:

I know some of you sneak booze into movie theaters. I myself love to bring in a cold brew while watching a nice stupid action film. But, be warned, this isn’t something I’d recommend for The Hobbit. If you end up drinking too much this film time might start to feel slower. You don’t want that in a movie that’s already too long to begin with.

Myself? I brought a Big Gulp from 7-11. It was big enough to last me through the first hour. And, bonus, I had to piss by hour two so I got a little respite from the tedium.

PILLOW:

Now, it’s just a given with a film as long and boring as The Hobbit is, you’re going to fall asleep. I recommend dozing off around the six-hour mark, when the group gets to a Lake City. Nothing happens there. And they’re there for four hours. So, go ahead, nod off and get some energy back before the ten minutes of actual plot kick in.

But, be careful, you don’t want to strain your neck. Bring a pillow, maybe even a blanket. That way you’re nice and comfy during your nap.

INFORM LOVED ONES:

Look, this film took days from me. People thought I was dead. My mom was beside herself. Truth. You don’t want people worrying needlessly about your well-being. Don’t be a prick. Call someone, let them know where you’ll be, that way, after a week passes without hearing from you, they’ll know that you’re just watching The Hobbit.

Just follow these easy steps and you will be guaranteed to see the light of day, some day. Far into the future, whenever The Hobbit finally ends. Truth be told, it still hasn’t. I’m writing this from the theater. I’ve been here for a week. Guys, I’m scared. Please, call for help, I don’t think Peter Jackson has edited a second of this film. Tell my dog I love him.

Grade: C-

The Hobbit

“Which is it, then? Are we talking and walking? Or walking and talking?” – Young Bilbo from The Office

It took me years to come around to Blu-Ray. While everyone else in the world seemed to be like, “Holy shit, this high definition is raping my eyeballs!!!!” I was all, like, “Holy shit, this looks like a cheap soap opera.” I held out as long as I could but, sooner or later, I caved, bought a player, started converting my bad ass DVD collection into a bad ass Blu-Ray collection. And, somewhere in the years in between, I’ve come around to high definition. Sure, sometimes it makes things look ugly, but it’s generally bright and crisp. So I can dig it.

Now, what does this have to do with The Hobbit? Well, if you weren’t living under a fucking rock, you might have heard that Peter Jackson decided to film the film in 48 frame rate, which basically turns the movie into high definition. It’s not playing in high frame rate in all cities, but, if you’ve ever considered yourself a fan of film as an art, I highly recommend you search out this version of the film.

Wait, what? You want me to review the fucking movie? Look, if you don’t know what The Hobbit is going to be like, you’re a fucking idiot. But. Fine. Whatever. The Hobbit is long. People talk and walk. They eat a lot. Then they talk some more. Then They walk some more. Then a monster shows up and they fight before talking and walking again. It’s exactly the film you expect it to be. The nerds are gonna be like, “Holy fuck-balls, I can’t believe they so faithfully showed all these characters talking and walking.” And regular people will probably be like, “Damn it, this is SO boring! All they do is talk and walk!!!”

Here’s by biggest, harshest criticism for an, admittedly, well made film: I looked at my watch. Now, I know a lot of people complained about how long and boring Lord of The Rings was, that nothing much happened. I think those people are idiots. Lord of the Rings is lean, fun, and thrilling. I never ever looked at my watch during a Lord of the Rings movie. I noticed, almost throughout the entire film, how fucking long The Hobbit seemed. That’s it.

OK, so back to the real conversation: high frame rate!!! Boo ya, fuckers, I’m a film nerd!!! So we’re gonna talk about crazy ass new technology!

I hear a lot of people complaining about high frame rate the same way I complained about Blu-Ray. “It looks cheap and fake.” I can see where they’re coming from. Some scenes, the kitchen scene in Blibo’s house for example, just didn’t work in high definition. The dwarfs start throwing plates around and, if the picture weren’t so sharp, it might look cool. But because the picture is so perfect the CGI plates look fake, like they’re floating above everyone. It’s clear no character is actually throwing a plate.

Yet, sometimes it hauntingly effective. Gollum’s cave, hell Gollum himself, is touch-worthy-real. And I think that’s what it comes down to, why I’m willing to be cautiously optimistic about this new technology. It’s going to force filmmakers to create better effects. They can’t half ass it anymore. If The Amazing Spider-Man were shot with high frame rate, the lizard would have had to been more realistic. You can tell, almost shot by shot, where Peter Jackson dumped his money. He focused on Gollum, not plates. And, any director working with CGI, will have to up their game to match. They’ll lose every excuse to cut corners with shitty CGI. And, frankly, I think that’s a good thing.

So, there ya go, the technology has ways to go, but it’s worth checking out. It’s a different experience that you can either bemoan or embrace. But, which ever side you land on, on thing is certain, any director who films in high frame rate will have to be amazingly talented.

The Hobbit Grade: B+

High Frame Rate Grade: B-