The Expendables 2

This scene looks rad but it’s completely boring. Trust me.

I’ve been putting off reviewing this film. Partly because it’s too boring to actively have a legitimate opinion about. Partly because, well, how do you say anything constructive about a movie so pointlessly bland? And I mean that. The Expendables 2 sucks not just because it blows, (Apparently that’s physically possible.) it sucks because it’s a shoddy, lazy, boring piece of shit that has somehow spawned more shoddy, lazy, boring pieces of shit.

“Oh, but, Dudebro, it’s just a silly action film. Loosen up, enjoy all the explosions and nostalgia.”

Fuck that noise. Because, no, it’s not even fun. It’s not even entertaining. It’s hardly even nostalgic. It’s just a bunch of old, washed up men standing around being useless and sad.

For real, can you even remember the conflict? Or any real themes? Or, on a purely superficial level, any legitimate dramatic tension during the battles?

FUCK NO!!!!!!!!

Explosions do no equal entertainment, or thrills.

Hell, I don’t even think Rambo’s shoulders moved more than thirty degrees the whole movie. There was a scene that required him to run. He hired a stunt double for that scene. And the Terminator just stands there and throws around bad puns like he’s been recast in Batman and Robin. The only dude that seems to be having any kind of fun is the Universal Soldier but his face is too botoxed to be certain. He might have just been having a stroke.

The final battle between Rambo and The Universal Soldier is, actually, pretty fun. There’s a clear sense of what is happening. The actors’ stunt doubles seem to be able to kick pretty fucking high and they beat each other with chains. Boom! That’s the fucking film I want to see.

Instead I get this jumbled mess where characters show up for ten seconds for no reason other than they used to be popular. And action scenes are poorly shot and blurry so all tension is sapped from the film. Oh and for some reason He-Man gets to be racist every ten seconds. NOT COOL BRO!!!!

Yet this stupid fucking film series has made it possible for outdated and pointless action stars to thrive again. The Terminator and Rambo have new films coming out soon that look just as pointless and stupid as this.

Look, I’m not shitting on old school action films. I love old school action films. But they have their place, in the past. Action films these days owe a huge debt to what these men did for the genre. But these men have their place and time. It’s sad they never evolved but, in a Christopher Nolan world, action films need a little more than muscles and explosions.