A Guide To Making It Out Of The Hobbit Alive

Oh my God, he looks happy. I think he made it out. HOW?!?!?!?! Tell me how you got out of this movie!!!!!!

So you’ve found yourself stuck in the unending abyss that is The Hobbit The Desolation Of Smaug. Maybe you got here by accident, thought you were walking into Medea’s Christmas Fun Time or whatever. Maybe you purposely paid money to feel your butt gradually numb over an undetermined amount of hours. Maybe you’re like me, and just want to fuck someone who wants to see The Hobbit, and you’ve made it here for their sake. Whatever the case, you’re stuck, for like, ever, and I’m here to help you survive.

FOOD:

First of, you’ll need food. And, no, I’m not talking about popcorn or Snowcaps or whatever shitty junk your local theater provides. This is an endurance test, damn it, your body needs real live nutrients if it’s going to survive The Hobbit. It needs a sandwich.

Now, of course the toppings are up to you. I personally like a turkey and ham combo with just a tiny spread of guac and provolone cheese on seven grain bread. It’s hearty and will hit the spot around hour five. But don’t get cocky man, it’s dark in that theater. You don’t want something sloppy like a French Dip. Or something that’ll stink up the joint like a tuna melt. No way man, this sandwich isn’t for savoring. It’s solely there to make sure you don’t die before the credits roll. So choose your toppings wisely.

DRINKS:

I know some of you sneak booze into movie theaters. I myself love to bring in a cold brew while watching a nice stupid action film. But, be warned, this isn’t something I’d recommend for The Hobbit. If you end up drinking too much this film time might start to feel slower. You don’t want that in a movie that’s already too long to begin with.

Myself? I brought a Big Gulp from 7-11. It was big enough to last me through the first hour. And, bonus, I had to piss by hour two so I got a little respite from the tedium.

PILLOW:

Now, it’s just a given with a film as long and boring as The Hobbit is, you’re going to fall asleep. I recommend dozing off around the six-hour mark, when the group gets to a Lake City. Nothing happens there. And they’re there for four hours. So, go ahead, nod off and get some energy back before the ten minutes of actual plot kick in.

But, be careful, you don’t want to strain your neck. Bring a pillow, maybe even a blanket. That way you’re nice and comfy during your nap.

INFORM LOVED ONES:

Look, this film took days from me. People thought I was dead. My mom was beside herself. Truth. You don’t want people worrying needlessly about your well-being. Don’t be a prick. Call someone, let them know where you’ll be, that way, after a week passes without hearing from you, they’ll know that you’re just watching The Hobbit.

Just follow these easy steps and you will be guaranteed to see the light of day, some day. Far into the future, whenever The Hobbit finally ends. Truth be told, it still hasn’t. I’m writing this from the theater. I’ve been here for a week. Guys, I’m scared. Please, call for help, I don’t think Peter Jackson has edited a second of this film. Tell my dog I love him.

Grade: C-

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