Dying A Good Day To Die The Hardest Death That Ever Died Hard 5 The Electric Boogaloo

Yeah, I know this picture isn’t from the new Die Hard. I just figured this one would remind us all of a time when Die Hard ruled all.

What up dawgs? EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! I banged a boring chick last night. LOTS OF BULLETS!!!!!!! And it’s the damnedest thing, it’s like the entire event has been sucked out of my brain. FIRE!!!!!! I’m adding sound effects to make this dull story a little more exhilarating. TENSE SOUNDTRACK AND MORE BOMBS!!!!!!!! I learned this little narrative technique from A Good Day To Die Hard. MODERATE AMOUNT OF BLOOD!!!!!!

Wait, what? Seriously? Explosions and violence don’t make up for a shitty script? Well then what’s the point in watching a fucking Die Hard sequel? No, I’m asking. For real, cause I no longer know why I watch Die Hard sequels.

It’s still about John McClaine, which is nice. That dude’s a baller. This time he goes on a vacation to Russia to help his son, who happens to be a spy. And, in case you didn’t remember, John McClaine will remind you over again, that he’s just there on vacation. In fact, he’ll try to save the entire non-existent plot with his quips. They aren’t enough. The entire thing is a lost cause, John McClaine be damned.

I really wish I could describe the plot too, because it sucks. But there… fuck… there just isn’t one. The entire film is barely 90 minutes, which a saving grace because of how pointless it is, but it’s still not long enough to make an impact. There seems to be some sort of fight between John McClaine and his son but whenever they talk something explodes. So it usually doesn’t amount to anything.

Movie like this are actually critic proof too. So it’s hard to talk about because it’s too dull to even rant about. Kinda like the boring chick you took home after too many whiskey shots. You’re gonna have an orgasm. But you won’t remember a damn thing about her the next day. EXPLOSIONS!!!!! God damn it, not again. BLOODENINGED!!!!!!!!!

Grade: D