Yo, (Insert slang signifying friend). What up, (Insert curse word of choice)? Last night I (Insert description about a sexual act involving a hot chick). Then we (continue description of sexual act but add more description involving body fluid of choice). (Now we come to the portion of the review where I tie my sexual exploit with a Banging Betty into the main problem with the film I’m currently reviewing. Today’s film? Jack The Giant Slayer.)
(Insert the section of the review where I describe the main of the film without spoiling anything important. This film is about a hero who falls in love with a woman. They go on an adventure together because a bad guy wants to rule the world. So the dude and chick fight the bad guy to save the world. Explosions happen. PG-13 Violence ensues. Shitty CGI accompanies a bland soundtrack. You know, typical shit you’ve before.)
And really, that’s what it all comes down to. You’ve seen this movie before. You’ve sat in a theater, eating stale popcorn, smelling other people’s sweaty farts, and watched this movie. Even if you haven’t seen Jack the Giant Slayer. The beats are all there. The adjectives are all interchangeable. Hell, even some of the actors are cast in the exact same roles as they played in the other movies you’ve seen. Young Obi-Wan, I’m looking at you.
It’s not even bad. It’s uninspired. Which, if you warship at the alter of cinema, is the greatest crime a director can commit. Alright, (Insert crass word used to insult your friends). I’m off to (Insert an activity cool dudes do, like fucking or drinking. Not video games though. Because video games are for fucking nerds). But at least I won’t have to sit through Jack The Giant Slayer again. Oh… Wait… Of course I will because it’s exactly like every generic movie ever made!!!!
Grade: (Insert failing grade here.)