Prisoners Lives In The Gray

The Wolverine will tear off your fucking face if you mess with his kids.

A couple of days ago I watched Admission for the first time. I know right. The worst. But this chick I was trying to bang suggested we rent it and my penis will sit through anything if it’s getting blown at the end. Anyway, spoiler alert, Admission is about Tina Fey trying to find her son she put up for adoption years earlier. After a few long, uninspired hours the film ends with the son deciding she doesn’t want to meet Tina Fey. Roll Credits.

My broad was all upset by this. I asked her why and she responded, “Well, I’ll never know if she gets to meet her son. It would have been better if the film ended with the son dying. Then I’d know for sure everything was over.”

I then replied, “But that wasn’t the point of the film. If they killed off the son they would have had to tack on another thirty minutes to tie everything up. The whole moral is designed to be ambiguous.”

To which she shot back, “Well that’s stupid.”

The ambiguous narrative ain’t for everyone. I get it. But I tend to eat these stories up. There’s a lot of gray in the world and sometimes answers don’t come so easy. And they sure as hell aren’t wrapped up in two hours like most movies. So, it’s with that love of ambiguity, that I quite liked Prisoners. But, be warned, you won’t find things easily compartmentalized.

Prisoners stars The Wolverine and the Pimp from Hustle and Flow. Their daughters disappear. And The Wolverine is all like, “RAAAWAEEERRRRR FUCKING RAWWWWRRRRR I’M GONNA KILL THE BITCH THAT KIDNAPPED MY GIRL!!!!” So he sets Donnie Darko on the case but Darko is a slow son of a bitch so The Wolverine goes, “FUCK YOU DARKO I’M GONNA BEAT THE GUY THAT STOLE MY PRINCESS!!! RAWWWWRRRR!!!!!”

There’s a lot of meat to chew on here. Meat that, with a lesser director and cast, could have fallen by the wayside and made Prisoners a paint by number thriller. And, in a lot of cases, it is fairly straight forward. If you’ve seen an episode of SVU, you can probably anticipate the narrative beats. But, unlike SVU, Prisoners does a really good job showing what crimes actually do to victims. We get to see The Wolverine hit the bottle a little too hard. His wife shuts down completely. And we don’t really begrudge them when they decide to take matters into their own hands.

Yet they’re never portrayed as heroes. Lord no, they’re real and flawed and probably have years of therapy to deal with following the events of the film. That’s where Prisoners succeeds. The bad guys are never quite purely evil. And the good guys don’t wear white.

So, if that’s you’re cup of tea, go for it. It’s a dour and sturdy flick that shouldn’t have gotten made by a big studio in this day and age. Main stream movies like this need more attention so hopefully Hollywood will stop making Pirates of The Caribbean 20. But, be warned, there’s nothing but gray at the end of this tunnel.

Grade: B+

The Wolverine Tries

“Alright, I saved your life. We’re gonna gamble then you owe me a blow job.” Broadway Wolverine

Fucking the same chick multiple times gets boring. That’s why I like to shake things up, seek new pussy, and give that a try. Cause, even if the sex isn’t better, it’s at least different. Different is good. It shakes things up. Spices that thing we call life.

This aversion to boredom extends to all walks of my life, especially movies. Why do I want to see the same film over and over again when I can watch something new. Something I haven’t seen before. Comic movies lately have become stale to say the least. The villain shows up, starts some shit. The hero blows up the villain. Rinse. Repeat. The Wolverine tries desperately to break this cycle, give the audience something different in the comic world. It fails. But, sometimes, trying is all that’s needed for a film to entertain.

So Broadway Wolverine is all sad that crazy-bird-red-head died in X3. He dreams about her every night and hangs out with bears during the day. Until some crazy old Japanese Dude wants to cure Broadway Wolverine of his immortality. Wolverine loses his powers. Then rage sings the rest of the film until a rather clunky third act.

See, from the get go, The Wolverine is not a super hero film. It’s a fucking Western. Broadway Wolverine is a haunted bro in a strange land. And he’s trying to settle some scores before he gets murdered.

The word mutant is only uttered around four times the entire film. The typical persecution themes in previous X-Films have been abandoned as well. What’s left is a hyper focused character piece about a Lone Gunslinger fighting escalating odds.

And, for real, the first two acts work. Sure, if I want to get nit-picky, I could rant about the murky villains, or the typical love interest. But, by and large, it’s a tight action film that really does share more with Samurai and Western flicks than comic movies.

Then the third act pops up and, because the studio probably got worried the film was too awesome, The Wolverine becomes a standard comic film complete with snake women and giant robots. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like giant robots as much as the next person, but it doesn’t work here. Not when the preceding two hours have done such a wonderful job creating a distinctive film. To fall back on typical comic tropes robs The Wolverine of being truly memorable.

But, I can’t hate too hard. It tried, man. It really did want to be something special. It failed. Sure. But, in a pretty bleak time for film, trying can seem like a breath of fresh air. Plus, it completely washes away the bad taste left over from Wolverine Origins.

Grade: B-

Wolverine: The Musical ( The Review of Les Miserables by a Philistine)

Don’t mess with him, Catwoman. He’ll claw you right in the fucking face.

The French, man. Who knew they could make a Wolverine musical be so sissy and bad ass all at once. I say sissy because, duh, it’s a musical. I say bad ass because Wolverine gets to be all, “RAAWWRRR, RAAWWWRRRR I’M GONNA KILL PEOPLE!!!!!!” I went to see this being all sad about seeing a stupid musical. But I walked out happy to see that Wolverine is still a violent mother fucker capable of tearing a dude’s asshole inside out.

It takes place in France. And, like, a King is there but, like, the people hate the dude or something. I dunno, something about history. So criminals are all over. And The Gladiator is there- I don’t remember him being in the X-Men comics but, I’m not a nerd so he must’ve been a bad dude like Magneto- to punish the criminals and for some reason he really hates Wolverine. So The Gladiator challenges Wolverine to a duel and Wolverine is all, “Snikt” But then he runs away because Wolverine is a pussy in France.

That’s when he runs into Catwoman whose working as a prostitute. (Epic win, Catwoman. You’re alright by my nuts. Keep banging them dudes.) She’s all like, “Batman banged me and ran away to fight the Joker. Now I’m dying from a prostitute disease. Take care of my child.” But, remember, this is a sissy musical. So she sings this part instead.

Now Wolverine isn’t a bad dude. He doesn’t kill anyone in this movie but he’s still willing to take care of a child. So him and child keep on running from The Gladiator and they sing songs all the while.

Now, I’m not exactly sure why a Wolverine musical had to be made. But I’m happy it was. Not only is Wolverine born with a golden voice. But he knows how to fuck shit up.

It’s basically the greatest way to get dudes into musicals. I know I fucking hate boring ass song and dance numbers. But, hey, when Wolverine is threatening to murder every son of a bitch on screen, I’m happy. Seriously, take your boyfriends, be all like, “I won’t fuck you for a month if you don’t go see this French flick where Wolverine sings.” So your dude will be all like, “Ok, I want to have sex. I guess it won’t be so bad if Wolverine sings.”

That’s the great thing about great movies. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a dick or a vagina. A good movie is a good movie. And Wolverine: The French Musical is a good movie. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll see Borat covered in shit. Seriously, it’s got it all. So go ahead and watch it. There’s no Professor X or Cyclops cameos but, whatever. Wolverine is the coolest X-Man anyway.

Grade: B+