A couple of dudefriendbros asked me why I always compare film to sex in my reviews. They don’t see the logical connections between pounding a nice ripe ass and an hour or two narrative. It’s simple. First, I’m a dude, bro, I like to fuck so I equate fucking to most things in life. But second, and more importantly, good sex rolls out exactly like a story. Bad sex, well, bad sex is all over the place and ends up making you question reality. Like Riddick. Riddick plays out exactly like shitty sex.
Riddick is about this space alien with cool eyes who used to be cool two movies ago. Now he’s kind of a joke. He just sits around with one facial expression and doesn’t really do anything all that awesome. But people want him dead anyway. So he has to fight them and other aliens.
It sounds way more exciting than it is. And, yes, there are nuggets of good ideas here in the film. Little scenes that pop or maybe an awesomely violent death that make you pray against all odds that the film will somehow do better, become more. Because this is a passion project for 2 Bald And Furious Guy. He put a lot of his money on the line to make this stinker and it doesn’t show. And I mainly blame the writers for ignoring simple rules of writing.
All right, so most stories, simple ones, more good ones than bad, follow the simple three act structure. There’s a beginning that houses most of the exposition and lays groundwork for the stakes of the story. There’s a middle that raises those stakes to an inevitable conclusion. And then there’s the end that contains the climax and falling action of said stakes.
Now, this isn’t just the pervert in me, but that sounds a lot like sex. When I fuck a broad there is a definite beginning, middle, and end. I’m telling that bitch a night time story she’ll remember for the rest of her life. Good movies will stick like that too. But Riddick doesn’t have three acts. It has three stories that are loosely tied together but never quite gel.
The first third is Riddick stuck on a planet, trying to survive, finding a loyal alien dog to hunt with. It’s alright, if it lead somewhere important, but it gets ignored pretty quickly and, thus, lags on far too long.
Then these hunters come to kill Riddick. This is the best act of the film, the one where I felt things might be looking up. There are some pretty rad deaths. And actual dialogue. And Starbuck shows up too. But then everything cool here goes down the drain once the third act starts and Riddick becomes nothing more than a Pitch Black rip off. There’s even some weird section where Riddick pointlessly turns a lesbian straight. It’s a fucking mess.
Look, I get it, Pitch Black ruled and the Chronicles Of Riddick sucked. But that doesn’t mean you have to create Pitch Black with new aliens. It’s worse than lazy. It’s offensive and boring, like bad sex. I don’t tolerate bad sex and I sure as shit won’t tolerate Riddick films anymore.