Dying A Good Day To Die The Hardest Death That Ever Died Hard 5 The Electric Boogaloo

Yeah, I know this picture isn’t from the new Die Hard. I just figured this one would remind us all of a time when Die Hard ruled all.

What up dawgs? EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! I banged a boring chick last night. LOTS OF BULLETS!!!!!!! And it’s the damnedest thing, it’s like the entire event has been sucked out of my brain. FIRE!!!!!! I’m adding sound effects to make this dull story a little more exhilarating. TENSE SOUNDTRACK AND MORE BOMBS!!!!!!!! I learned this little narrative technique from A Good Day To Die Hard. MODERATE AMOUNT OF BLOOD!!!!!!

Wait, what? Seriously? Explosions and violence don’t make up for a shitty script? Well then what’s the point in watching a fucking Die Hard sequel? No, I’m asking. For real, cause I no longer know why I watch Die Hard sequels.

It’s still about John McClaine, which is nice. That dude’s a baller. This time he goes on a vacation to Russia to help his son, who happens to be a spy. And, in case you didn’t remember, John McClaine will remind you over again, that he’s just there on vacation. In fact, he’ll try to save the entire non-existent plot with his quips. They aren’t enough. The entire thing is a lost cause, John McClaine be damned.

I really wish I could describe the plot too, because it sucks. But there… fuck… there just isn’t one. The entire film is barely 90 minutes, which a saving grace because of how pointless it is, but it’s still not long enough to make an impact. There seems to be some sort of fight between John McClaine and his son but whenever they talk something explodes. So it usually doesn’t amount to anything.

Movie like this are actually critic proof too. So it’s hard to talk about because it’s too dull to even rant about. Kinda like the boring chick you took home after too many whiskey shots. You’re gonna have an orgasm. But you won’t remember a damn thing about her the next day. EXPLOSIONS!!!!! God damn it, not again. BLOODENINGED!!!!!!!!!

Grade: D  

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Taken 2

He has a very special set of skills that pretty much include being an invulnerable super hero.

I knew the Die Hard franchise was dead during Die Hard 2: The Hard-iest Death That Ever Hardened. John McClain is inside an exploding airplane and the blast throws him what appears to be 7 stories into the air, and homeboy survives.

Fuck. That. Shit.

And I don’t mean that I can’t suspend my disbelief. Fuck, I love fucking super hero movies where dudes survive impossible things. What pissed me off about Die Hard was how quickly it turned on it’s central idea. Die Hard was never about a super hero. It was about an average dude fighting bad guys before his body completely gives up. Die Hard started sucking the second John McClain became capable of surviving anything. Taken 2 looks to be the start of Oscar Schindler’s take on Die Hard.

Because the first Taken was pretty surprising in it’s grounded approach. Oscar Schindler was just a crazy old man out to find his kidnapped daughter. It was a hard task that tried Oscar Schindler as a man. The tension existed because he was flying blind most of the film. Taken 2 does not have that tension. Schindler knows where every bad guy is, kills them, and then saves his family. Oh!! Yeah, spoiler alert, he saves his family. Like it was ever in doubt.

There’s a scene where, early on, after he’s been kidnapped, Oscar Schindler deduces his location based upon hearing waves and a barking dog.

It’s supposed to be a cool scene. The audience is supposed to be like, “HOLY FUCK STICKS!!!! That dude is able to find himself based solely on a dog’s bark!!!” But it has the opposite effect. Anyone with a brain will be like, “Wait, a barking dog, really? Is there only one dog in this city? Does Oscar Schindler know that dog? Does he go surfing with that dog too? Cause he seems pretty excited about being next to water too.”

He just knows too much. He knows exactly where the bad guys are, exactly where his ex-wife is, and how to save them all within a short period of time. It’s the opposite of tension. It’s boredom.

The entire film turns it’s back on everything that clicked in the first film. And that’s how sequels fail. They quickly, sometimes eagerly, forget everything that made the series popular in the first place. It’s a real shame too because I really like Oscar Schindler as an action star. Let’s hope Taken 3: The Third Taken-ing gives Schindler a bigger challenge.

Grade: D-