The Dark Knight Rises


“Why, yes ladies, I do piss into mason jars. Thank you for asking.” -Bateman Batman

I have a severe problem. I’ve had an erection for the last 48 hours, ever since I watched The Dark Knight Rises. I should probably see a doctor about this but I know it’ll just come right back every time I think about Rises because it’s a perfect blend of high concept, popcorn fair, and sheer unadulterated testosterone.

The film picks up 8 years after Bateman Batman killed Harvey Dent. Bateman Batman has gone all Howard Hughes after the Joker killed his woman. They don’t specifically show him peeing in mason jars but I assume it happens.

I would have watched a scene with Bateman Batman pissing into a mason jar. It was a missed opportunity. But I digress.  

Anyway Bane shows up and is all like, “I don’t know how I eat with this mask on but I’m sure as hell gonna punch every citizen of Gotham in the face.” So Bateman Batman is all like, “Well, I guess I should stop pissing in mason jars and fight Bane for three hours.”

Other stuff happens too: the Kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun runs around shooting criminals while saving orphans, Commissioner Gordon takes a ride on a sewer water slide, and Catwoman has a semi-lesbian relationship with a chick. FUCK YEAH!!!!!!

It’s fucking awesome.  I mean, sure, it starts unwieldy. There’s a lot going on, tons of new characters  running around, and you just want shit to explode. But, as time progresses, things get tighter and tighter and you realize Rises was intentionally structured to imitate chaos slowly crushing in on itself.

But here’s the most awesome thing about this film: it’s the third. That alone should make it suck more nuts than a sorority chick. I can’t remember the last time I walked out of a Part Three and said, “Yeah, that rocked my man-tits off.”  Maybe Return of the King, but that doesn’t really count because those were all filmed at once.

The Director did a great job picking themes and plots from the previous two films so, instead of sticking out like my sore boner during this movie, the three films blend together in an almost perfect way.  

Even better: Princess Diaries Chick totally rocks as Catwoman. She’s such a funny, threatening, and don’t-give-a-fuck force.  Honestly, her performance reminded me of Han Solo. She’s a brash loose cannon with a heart of gold. Do you know how rare it is when Hollywood lets a woman be THAT awesome? Most of the time chicks are just inserted into a film to boost the male lead’s ego. It’s rare, and welcome, when Hollywood lets a chick kick ass in such an eager way.  Thank you Katniss, Black Widow, and Catwoman for showing idiot film execs that, yes, woman can also shoot people in the face and crack jokes. 

 Also, it’s important to remember how vital the third act of any film is. A good third act serves as a reward to the viewer, a thank you for sticking around. Yet few films actually do this. The Dark Knight Rises rewards viewer for watching the entire trilogy. Every scene, every line, and every explosion leads directly to a final ten minutes that serve as a warm hug for everyone who has watched series. More movies need this attention to detail and chicks that kick ass.   

Truly, this is the Batman film we both need and deserve…. Now if only I could get rid of this raging erection…

Grade:  A-