The Last Stand

Oh look, he’s in a car… again…

Dying was the best thing that ever happened to James Dean. We love that angst ridden son of a bitch solely because homeboy made a handful of films then bit it before he could outstay his welcome. Now, I’m not saying I wish The Governator was dead or anything. Because I’m not a dick. But, at very least, he should have given up while the getting was good. Instead he makes us suffer through boring, lifeless throwback films like The Last Stand.

The Last Stand is about the Governator driving a car. Because he’s old. He can’t fight anymore. So it’s basically him in a car. Or him sitting on his porch drinking a beer. Or him sleeping in bed. Really, anything to keep him from actually, you know, using his wasted body. Cause fighting is a young man’s game. There’s a bad dude driving too. They drive against each other, but it’s not exciting. Then they stop driving and the movie’s over.

And, really, I blame the Expendables for this mess. For some reason, people are under the assumption the Expendables was fun, and lively. It wasn’t. Stop being fucking stupid. It was boring and depressing. Literally nothing happened except for Rambo sitting around yawning in a cave. But people ate it up, like it was a clever throwback to old action films. Now, apparently, it’s ok for the Governator to make his own boring action movie where nothing happens.

I’m not embellishing this either. I estimate around 80% of every action scene is a car chase. The Governator running dudes over or blocking people’s gun fire with a car. Over and over and over again. And, whatever, car chases are cool but it loses the entire effect when it takes up so much of the fucking movie. Really, I just feel sorry for the Governator. The dude can’t even fight. They final battle, taking place outside a car for once, basically just boils down to two dudes grunting on the floor. Again, because the Governator can’t actually fight anymore.

That’s why maybe he never should have come back. Maybe the dude should have just kept fathering illegitimate Governators and enjoy a day off. Cause there was a time this dude was the king of action. There was a time when I would be mad, crazy excited to see him explode some shit. But, now, eh. Now the dude can barely even lift his arms. It’s sad to see someone like that wither away instead of simply exiting stage right.

Grade: D