So I’m Pretty Sure I Wrote Kick Ass 2 In Junior High

Cock-Punch even wore a green scuba suit. COME ON, HOLLYWOOD!!!! Stop stealing my shit.

Holy shit, I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why anyone would think this was a good idea. I’m even confused as to who would sell my earlier work, but, somehow, Hollywood got a hold of a script I wrote in Junior High and turned it into Kick-Ass 2.

This isn’t even humble bragging either. Believe me, take the writing skill I have now, which is close to zero to begin with, divide it by a million, and you have a vague idea of how shitty a script by a Hormonal Dudebro could be. At first I didn’t even believe it. The idea that someone could steal my horrible little script and turn it into a shitty big budget summer flick seems insane but the odd similarities are too much to ignore.

To wit, my version was called Cock-Punch 2: The Cock Punchining. It was a sequel to the far superior script I wrote: Cock-Punch. Now the saga of Cock-Punch is all about this nerdy nobody who decides to dress up as a super hero and fight criminals. He accomplishes this goal mainly by punching people in the cocks, as his name would dictate.

Now here’s where things get creepy. In Cock-Punch 2, Cock-Punch decides to come out of retirement and punch cocks again. And he needs to be trained by a little girl named Hit Chick. JUST LIKE KICK-ASS 2?!?!?!?!!!

But it doesn’t stop there, people. No, because Cock-Punch’s former friend, The Butt Fucker, decides to create a team of super villains to destroy Cock-Punch and Hit Chick. I even wrote scenes with a penis-biting dog, and another with chicks wanting to fuck Cock-Punch for no reason, and, because everything is better with a shark, I threw in a shark too. Oh, and of course my junior high self couldn’t write anything without adding gratuitous blood, vomit, and diarrhea.

Seriously, I don’t know how Hollywood managed to steal my ideas but you’ll never be able to convince me they didn’t. This stinker of a flick was obviously written by me in junior high. Or, if it wasn’t a stolen draft of my Cock-Punch 2 screen play, it had to been written by another thirteen year old. There’s no other excuse for how bad this film was.

It exists in this world where bad guys suffer from erectile dysfunction, all women are horny cheating sluts, and, seriously, there’s a lot of blood, vomit, and diarrhea. It doesn’t look anything like a world I know. A world that’s supposed to be “real” for lack of a better word.

Cause, as crazy as the third act of Kick-Ass 1 was, it still followed a set of logical rules. Kick-Ass 2 doesn’t give a shit. It just wants to fuck chicks, make bad guys shit themselves, and have dogs bite off dicks. It’s an uninspired mess and I should know, I wrote it when I was thirteen.

Grade: D-

The Spectacular Now Not Spectacular Later

Aw, yeah, Homeboy is gonna get laid!!!!

In order to pound as much vag as I pound in a given week, I have to be charming. It just wouldn’t work otherwise. Chicks don’t respond to my cock because it’s giant. They respond to it because it whispers sweet nothings all night long. That’s right, my cock whispers. Deal with it.

You see, too often guys forget that, in the world of fucking, character comes first and foremost. And, more than that, your character directly determines the amount of sex you’ll earn. It’s a lost art, the art of character building and earning things through attrition. But The Spectacular Now understands this as is truly exceptional because of it.

The Spectacular Now stars Hick-Side-Kick from the Footloose reboot. He got upgraded to lead because, frankly, he’s got charisma oozing out his pores. He’s partying hard, landing hot chicks, and generally just being a pimp. That is until the Chick from Secret Life shows up, all nerdy hot, and makes him reevaluate his whole life.

Now, I know, this sounds like some bullshit romantic comedy. It’s not. There are many, many reasons why people should watch this film. The acting is exceptional. The narrative tight. And, just when you think you know where this film is going, it drops some pretty emotional bombs through good old-fashioned character building.

You see character building doesn’t happen often in flicks these days. Writers assume, because a character is the lead, the audience will like them. Think Man of Steel. At no point in that film did Zack Snyder take the time to give us a reason to root for Superman. He expected us to like Superman because we automatically have to love him as a character.

That’s lazy. And offensive.

Spectacular Now is neither. Footloose Hick-Side-Kick works hard to be likable. And, believe me, from the first scene, you’ll find yourself enjoying his company. He’s a lovable cad chicks will want to bang and dudes will want to drink with. He earns the audiences trust and support so, when his life starts to fall apart, the audience will be truly emotionally invested in his fate.

Spectacular Now is a gem of a film. And it’s great because it works hard for every emotional beat in the film. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my cock has some sweet nothings to whisper to the chick in my bed.

Grade: A

Elysium

Just wait, in five seconds Michigan J. Frog is gonna tear out of Damon’s anus and sing, “Hello my baby.”

Tone, Dudebros, it determines everything. From dates, to dinner, to fucking to storytelling. Tone decides the outcome if people will have a good time or a bad time. Especially in film. I bet, sometimes, you walk out of a flick disappointed, a little confused, something was off about what you saw and you couldn’t quite pit your finger on it. Well my friend, I almost guarantee you the problem was tonal imbalance.

It’s hard to pin point. Sometimes it’s something small like an ill timed joke in a comedy. It could be something huge like an overly serious comic film. Or, sometimes it’s even worse, like a misplaced happy ending onto a bleak sci-fi drama. Guess the fuck what? Elysium totally falls victim to the latter.

So Elysium is all about Jason Borne tie traveling to a shitty future where shitty rich people take shits on shitty poor people. The shitty poor people steal and explode things, can’t hate their game. And the shitty rich people get healthcare. That makes Time Traveling Jason Borne all angry and shit. So he’s like, “Fuck these shitty rich people. I’m gonna go murder Time Traveling French Accented Clarice Starling.”

So it goes. Some robots get disintegrated. And humans lose their lives in amazingly shot, violent set pieces. It’s seriously rad. I was literally in the theater, pulling down my pants, and yanking on my giant twelve-inch dick. It’s exactly what summer movies should be: fun, violent, and meaningful.

Yet, toward the last act, shit changes. The tone switches and, frankly, it robs a lot of the preceding action of any meaning. Now, don’t worry, I won’t spoil things. I’ll merely mention that Elysium is not a happy movie. It’s dark and depressing. That’s the tone that was set up in the first two acts. So, in the last act, when things suddenly become less dark and depressing, it feels disingenuous.

And, sure, I’m sure those of you who have seen the film could argue that the ending is closer to “bitter sweet” than “full on happy.” But we’ll just be arguing semantics at that point. Yeah, sure, Disney cartoons don’t fly out of Jason Borne’s butt and sing show tunes. It doesn’t get that happy. But it gets happy enough for there be a disruption in tone.

So, there’s a lot to love here. Great cast. Flawless action. And a strong story idea. Unfortunately it falls apart under the weight of an alarmingly dreary tone and a fairly upbeat ending.

Grade: B+

The Wolverine Tries

“Alright, I saved your life. We’re gonna gamble then you owe me a blow job.” Broadway Wolverine

Fucking the same chick multiple times gets boring. That’s why I like to shake things up, seek new pussy, and give that a try. Cause, even if the sex isn’t better, it’s at least different. Different is good. It shakes things up. Spices that thing we call life.

This aversion to boredom extends to all walks of my life, especially movies. Why do I want to see the same film over and over again when I can watch something new. Something I haven’t seen before. Comic movies lately have become stale to say the least. The villain shows up, starts some shit. The hero blows up the villain. Rinse. Repeat. The Wolverine tries desperately to break this cycle, give the audience something different in the comic world. It fails. But, sometimes, trying is all that’s needed for a film to entertain.

So Broadway Wolverine is all sad that crazy-bird-red-head died in X3. He dreams about her every night and hangs out with bears during the day. Until some crazy old Japanese Dude wants to cure Broadway Wolverine of his immortality. Wolverine loses his powers. Then rage sings the rest of the film until a rather clunky third act.

See, from the get go, The Wolverine is not a super hero film. It’s a fucking Western. Broadway Wolverine is a haunted bro in a strange land. And he’s trying to settle some scores before he gets murdered.

The word mutant is only uttered around four times the entire film. The typical persecution themes in previous X-Films have been abandoned as well. What’s left is a hyper focused character piece about a Lone Gunslinger fighting escalating odds.

And, for real, the first two acts work. Sure, if I want to get nit-picky, I could rant about the murky villains, or the typical love interest. But, by and large, it’s a tight action film that really does share more with Samurai and Western flicks than comic movies.

Then the third act pops up and, because the studio probably got worried the film was too awesome, The Wolverine becomes a standard comic film complete with snake women and giant robots. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like giant robots as much as the next person, but it doesn’t work here. Not when the preceding two hours have done such a wonderful job creating a distinctive film. To fall back on typical comic tropes robs The Wolverine of being truly memorable.

But, I can’t hate too hard. It tried, man. It really did want to be something special. It failed. Sure. But, in a pretty bleak time for film, trying can seem like a breath of fresh air. Plus, it completely washes away the bad taste left over from Wolverine Origins.

Grade: B-

The Conjuring Proves Horror Is Necessary

FACT: Human fear, on a chemical level, is almost indistinguishable from human arousal. :::Cue The More You Know Theme:::

I could spend my time here today trying to convince you to go see The Conjuring. You totally should. It’s a fucking great movie that will keep you up at night. Truly, just a slick little slice of terror that shows how good horror can be as an art. Go see The Conjuring, ok? And I’m going to spend the rest of this article talking about why horror is my personal favorite genre of movie and why it’s necessary to the cinematic universe.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all genres of film. Each one has it’s own merit and values that make them needed to film as an art. But, for my money, the genre that continues to grow and change in challenging and exciting ways is the horror genre.

Just so you know, I heard your groan from way over here. Yes, I said horror. Horror is not only underrated, it’s down right ridiculed. People hate horror. Horror gets accused of being corny and stupid by a large chunk of the population who aren’t weirdos like me. But, under all the bad effects and goofy monsters, there’s a large beating heart that few other genres have. So here are some bullet points of why horror matters.

1. Horror is inexpensive to produce.

Movies these days cost a shit ton to make. Big tent pole flicks like Batman and Avengers generally cost over two hundred million to get running. Even small comedies like The Heat cost around sixty million to make. And Hollywood is essentially a casino. These directors go up to a producer, describe their film, and hope they’ll get money out of it. The producer is basically a high stakes gambler. They don’t know if a film will make money. So they roll the dice. And, when you start dealing with such high sums of cash, the producer is going to gamble a lot less than a lower stakes table.

Horror is that low stakes table. Horror can be made between ten bucks to thirty million. It’s a safe investment. Thus, they’re willing to take a chance on crazier scripts. And, oh boy, do they! Cabin in the Woods and Attack The Block are two examples of batshit insane ideas that only got made because they were cheap to create.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I value that. I want my films to push limits and try to be as inventive as possible. Certainly, it doesn’t always work. For every Attack the Block there’s a Leprechaun but at least they’re trying, which is more than can be said for most homogenized pap coming out of Hollywood these days.

2. Horror starts careers.

Part of maintaining a low budget is hiring people who aren’t exactly celebrities. This extends to everyone involved: actors, writers, and directors. And, by and far, some of the best talent working today cut their teeth on horror.

In the actor category we have: Johnny Depp, Jennifer Connelly, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Bacon, and John Travolta. That’s just naming a few.

And, don’t even get me started on directors. Almost every great director started somewhere in horror: Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi, Oliver Stone, and Guillermo Del Toro are all great examples of dudes with vision and raw talent learning their craft through horror.

To watch horror, good horror, is a great way to see talent shine before anyone else can, like seeing a shooting star before it disappears into the ether.

3. Horror is self aware.

Look, horror isn’t out to win any awards. It knows it’s stupid and trashy at worst. And fun and inventive at best. And that’s a good thing. So few films actually understand what they’re supposed to be. Take Nearly every superhero movie Warner Bros has made in the past decade. They’re all self serious bullshit because the studio heads don’t understand that superhero films are meant to be fun. Thus, we get stark shit like Man Of Steel.

Horror will never do that to a viewer. Nope. Horror knows people watch it for gore, fun, and shlock. And it almost always delivers. It wants you to have a good time, even more than comedies do.

So, yes, there are probably more technically polished genres. There are even genres that are deeper and smarter. But horror, in it’s purest form, is exactly what going to the movies is about. It’s the thrills. It’s the sense of awe. And, more than anything else, it’s about having fun. And that’s why, for my money, horror is the greatest genre out there.

Grade: B+

Turbo Brought To You By Vagisoft

Must… Buy… Verizon Phone… And Firestone Tires… And Chevy cars… And…

Hello, this week’s Dudebro review is sponsored by Vagisoft. Buy Vagisoft, the blanket SO soft you’ll swear you’re rubbing up against a giant human sized vagina. Vagisoft, get yours today!!!

Sigh, sorry about that. Times are rough and, well, a man’s gotta earn a buck somehow. So I whored myself out and took on a sponsor for today’s review. And, yes, it’s distracting but at least it’s for a product I can get behind, literally.

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Dude, Bros, come on here. I’m trying to conduct a review. We’re gonna talk about Turbo today and how annoying product placement can really fuck with an audience.

Vagisoft the only blanket that feels like a labia!!!!

Damn it, anyway. Turbo is about this snail who wants to go fast. So he takes an obscene amount of performing enhancing drugs until he can go fast. That’s when he meets this hapless human dude who wants to race him in the Indi500. If that sound familiar, it should. The entire film steals the entire plot structure of Ratatouille. But, unlike Ratatouille, Turbo isn’t very good at being deep.

This wouldn’t be a problem under normal circumstances. I’m ok with a stupid cartoon being a stupid cartoon. But, Turbo is average to begin with and, toward the end, the entire film devolves into one giant product placement and it’s aggressively distracting.

The film is littered with branding. I can count four or so off the top of my head. The most notable culprit is Verizon. That brand is seriously everywhere in this film. Little cartoon kids run around using their Verizon phones, snapping pictures of racing snails, and uploading them onto the interwebs. Every time a phone is used the camera stops and focuses on the Verizon logo for a good ten seconds. It’s distracting and pulled me out of the movie every time. Not to mention, it’s more than a little fucking creepy that product placement has gotten so rampant that it’s bled into animation.

Animation should be above that. Animation, more than any other genre, belongs to the ages. Children watch certain cartoons over and over again. These children grow up, have kids of their own, and they will show the next generation the cartoons they grew up on. It’s how every generation knows the story of Bambi. It’s how, fifty years from now, kids will still be calling clown fish, “Nemos.”

To blatantly show off products in a children’s film dates it immediately. Cause, while I’m certain my kids while know who Buzz Lightyear is, I’m doubtful Verizon will exist in thirty years. And as a result, I also doubt if Turbo will have any place in the future of animation.

Grade: C-

This review was brought to you by Vagisoft. Buy Vagisoft or we’ll murder your children.

Holy shit, guys, ok. This is getting out of hand. My blog in no way endorses the murder of little kids. My blog is about banging chicks and watching flicks…

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Wait, what? Are you serious? That’s a positive thing for you? Cause last time I pissed blood after sex…

Vagisoft!!! We’re not Hitler.

Yeah. Ok. I can actually live with that one. 

The Way Way Back

This sullen son of a bitch gets cranky about working at water park. When I was a kid I was flipping burgers at the King. And now I sound old.

A lot of movie reviewers like to talk about the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. She’s a narrative device basically used to give the hero a quirky, cute chick to bang. Generally speaking, she doesn’t walk or talk like a normal broad. Usually she’s perfect in an almost offensive, unrealistic way. Yet, for better or worse, most films have some version of her in them. That’s not a bad thing, necessarily. It just is. But, while I was watching The Way, Way Back, I noticed that there’s an entire genre of film that acts exactly like Manic Pixie Dream Girls do.

The Way, Way Back stars this depressed kid as he spends the summer at his mother’s boyfriend’s beach house. He hates it. In fact, he pretty much hates everything. His mother’s boyfriend is a douche bag. His mother doesn’t really pay attention to him. And the hot chick living next door won’t give him the time of day. So he’s all, “Fuck this, I’m gonna hang out at the water park all summer.” He gets a job there and slowly starts to grow into himself.

It’s a very sweet and funny movie. The characters are vibrant. The jokes are plentiful. And the camerawork and soundtrack are perfectly indie. And that throws this film in a strange meta-world where everything is almost too manicured.

Once or twice a year Hollywood releases an independent exactly like The Way, Way Back. Juno and Little Miss Sunshine are the perfect examples. All three films are filled dysfunctional characters who all know how to speak in whip-smart dialogue. They are the Manic Pixie Dream Flick.

Because, yes, they all rock. They’re great movies that are designed to manipulate you into feeling a serene sense of euphoria that makes you laugh and grow as a human being. They’re also just enough depth for you to chew on, give you conversations the next time you want to debate shit with your friends.

Now, on one hand, I hate to be manipulated. Unless it’s my balls, you can manipulate those until the cows come home. But, on the other, these are all interesting character pieces that Hollywood is loath to make anymore. It’s very conflicting. Because, no the Manic Pixie Dream Flick doesn’t exist. Every movie has imperfections. Every movie will let you down sometimes. But these quirky independent films are a glass of cold water in a desert of fighting superheroes.

Grade: B+

Pacific Rim and The Art Of Simplicity

“Rawr, rawr, mother fucker!!!! I’m a mother fucking monster!!! Rawr, rawr!!!!!” – The Monster

I used to have a go to move back when I first started balling broads. I called it the Tallahassee Twister. First, I’d start by swirling my tongue around the chick’s eye. Then, once she moaned a little, I’d flip her around and give her ass a massage. (Ladies love a good ass massage.) Next up comes the bends and grind, where I’d squeeze her legs together, fold them over my shoulders, and then insert my penis into her vagina.

Now, obviously, hindsight being what it is, I understand that all this work isn’t actually necessary during sex. I was making things far, far too complicated. And, while I’ve never had a bad review from a lady (Whatever Tanya told you is a fucking lie.), I didn’t realize that fucking is best when it’s straightforward, without all the frills. In a lot of ways the same can be said of a good action movie. Lately, they’ve been so complex and bloated it’s hard to remember that, at one point, an action movie consisted of a good guy fighting a bad guy. Pacific Rim harkens back to a simpler time and it’s a better movie for it.

Pacific Rim is about a dimensional rift that opens up, sending crazy ass giant monsters onto earth. They kill a whole bunch of people, as monsters are want to do. Then humans are like, “Fuck these assholes that keep killing us. Let’s kill them for a change.” So they make these giant ass robots and spend two hours fighting monsters.

Pacific Rim is straight forward like that. There aren’t any plot twists or third act hi-jinks. It gives you exactly what it sells: monsters fighting robots. It’s easy to enjoy a film that wears its sleeve like that. Cause, I don’t know about you, but when I go watch a film about monsters fighting robots, I pretty much only want to see monsters fighting robots.

And oh boy do they ever fight. Great, intense sequences that are simply filmed. Cause another pit most action films have fallen into lately is the hyper-kinetic-ever-shifting-camera action scenes. And those are a chore to follow. You can never tell who is doing what or where they’re doing it.

Pacific Rim favors steady wide shots that clearly show the action and further the narrative. The viewer always knows which robot is fighting what monster and why. And, because it’s so easy to understand the stakes, the film is easy to root for.

Hopefully one day action directors can chill out and realize, much like sex, an action film doesn’t need a convoluted plot or complicated action shots. It just needs a good guy to root for and a bad guy to get punched.

Grade: A-

The Manic Lone Ranger

Are you ready for this? We’re gonna talk for two hours before anything awesome happens.

I dated this broad once, a real piece of work, bi-polar as shit. One minute, we’d be out having a perfectly fine dinner down at the local Arby’s. The next, she’d be throwing roast beef sandwiches at me because I called her fat. Then two seconds later, she’d be banging me on a pile of curly fries, pulling my hair, and calling me a little bitch. The chick was as extreme as a BMX biking snowboarder climbing a mountain. I thought about her a lot during the equally manic The Lone Ranger.

The Lone Ranger stars Facebook Ranger as he teams up with Racist Captain Jack Sparrow. They don’t really like each other but they hate criminals. So they’re all like, “Fuck criminals. Let’s take them down. WITH TRAINS!!!” So they ride around on horses until they find trains. Then they blow shit up. With more trains. The end.

If that sounds entertaining, I’m sorry. I spiced it up a bit. It’s seriously light years from entertaining. There’s more walking and talking than a Lord of the Rings movie. And it’s practically just as long. Worse yet, there’s no fucking reason for it. This stupid fucking film is crammed with pointless scene after pointless scene. It bloats it up until it’s almost impossible to understand the themes, characters, or tones.

And, these unnecessary scenes are wildly different. Sometimes there’s a wacky Three Stooges physical gag. Sometimes they get real serious and murder Native Americans for no good reason. Sometimes they’ll throw in a pointless love triangle, cause everyone enjoys a good lay. Sometimes it just wants to be a loud action movie. You’ll get whiplash dealing with all the genre changes.

It’s a shame too cause some sequences really do pop. The climax of the film, in particular, is so frenetic and perfect they should turn it into a ride at Disneyland. Of all the tones and genres The Lone Ranger steals from, the climax is the greatest. It’s kitschy without being lame. It’s entertaining without trying. And, unlike the rest of the film, it knows exactly what it wants to be.

Cause tone means everything in filmmaking. Quentin Tarantino films, for example, would be lost without his usual flourishes. They set an expectation for an audience member. The Lone Ranger wants to be jack of all trades and it becomes a master of none. Except for that climax. Damn, that scene was awesome.

Grade: D-

Scene Stealers in Despicable Me 2

I don't know why these little yellow pills entertain me so much. I'M IMMUNE TO CUTENESS DAMN IT!!!!

I used to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a wee-little-Dudebro, kicking it around my hood, chilling with my dudefriendbros. We’d each dress up like one of the turtles and run around scaring the shit out of Old Mrs. Flanagan.(She died of a heart attack a few years later. I hope it was unrelated. But I’m not a fucking doctor.)

Obviously, as kids do, we each had a favorite turtle. Even then, before my balls dropped, I knew I was all about Michelangelo. The dude partied harder than all the other turtles AND got to swing around nun-chucks like a fucking boss. Sign me up, cause that’s the turtle I want to be, Fucktards.

The problem was, every kid wanted to be Mikey or Raphael? Why? Because they were the more interesting turtles. Raph was cool but rude. Donatello got to build machines. All Leo got to do was lead the team. Big fucking deal, I could boss around a bunch of turtles. Call me when you get an actual characteristic, Leo. Straight men like Leo are often fucking boring and easily overshadowed by crazier, more interesting, characters. Despicable Me 2 is a wonderful example of this phenomenon.

Despicable Me 2 stars Reformed Evil Dude Gru as he tries to save the world by falling in love. That’s it. It’s a very thin plot because Evil Dude Gru gets about as much story as his sidekicks, The Minions, who totally steal the show. The entire film is a test run for The Minion Movie.

They’re seriously in it all the time. It’s nearly impossible to escape these beautifully rendered little guys. Each scene without them works, the film is perfectly passable without them, but it’s hard to care much about Reformed Evil Dude Gru when there are characters with greater energy and likability vying for screen-time.

I don’t think many people will complain about this either. The Minions fucking rule. They’re little. They’re loud. They should be annoying as shit. But for some reason they’re so perfectly daffy that you want more of them. This isn’t exactly a new thing, as sidekicks go, but it rarely has worked out so well in the past.

A similar thing happened in Pirates of the Caribbean. Orlando Bloom was supposed to anchor that film onto stardom. That is, until Johnny Depp swam in and turned a thankless sidekick role into the main course. The sequels then starred Captain Jack and Bloom got fired after the third pirates.

Hell, the same thing happened to the first Ninja Turtles Movie. Leo was so boring that the entire moral center of that film belongs to Raphael. In fact, Raph is pretty much the main character of all the Turtle movies, except for Turtles 2, Vanilla Ice stole that shit like a bandit. So, Reformed Evil Dude Gru should really watch his back because, if The Minion Movie does well next year, I hardly see a reason for Despicable Me 3 to entice the audience.

Grade: B-