Rush and the Endangered Adult Film

I’m not gay. But I’d totally let those beautiful blue eyes fuck the shit out of me. No homo.

I harp on this a lot. But it bears repeating: cinema is in a very dangerous loop with no end in sight. There’s a startling lack of originality going on, recycling of brand names, and general dumbing down of anything resembling intelligent in Hollywood. And, yes, to a certain extent that’s always been the case with populous art. And I don’t want to sound like the cranky old fart railing against a changing system. But this is different. The system isn’t changing. It’s dying.

How did we get here? Easy. Movies became more expensive to produce. Ticket prices rose. And the American public became more picky about what films they went to. And, by picky, I mean Americans would only plunker-down a couple of Lincolns if the movie was about something they were familiar with. Thus, Hollywood started making sequels. Hard. Those made money. So Hollywood made more sequels. Those also made money. So Hollywood started mining the well to see what other famous brands could be rebooted or sequeled. That’s how Robert Downey Jr got cast as a sexy, hip Sherlock Holmes. That’s how Spider-man got remade not five years after the last Spider-man ended.

And now we’re here. The well is running dry friends. Fast and Furious is getting a seventh film. Disney plans to put the last bullet into Star Wars’ already decaying body. And Ron Howard, not the greatest of directors but a sturdy one with enough clout, has trouble bank rolling new, non-sequel films like Rush.

Rush stars Thor and this Racer Dude. They both drive fast. Thor believes racing is a natural talent. You’re born with it or you’re not. Racer Dude believes races come down to science. So he studies cars a lot. The story is basically about their rivalry and how deeply one person can affect someone’s life.

It’s a fine film. A damn fine film. A film that doesn’t rely on aliens or cgi boogie men. It’s all about character. And, another point I always try to make on this fuck-filled blog, character is always paramount to a movie’s success.

Yet, flicks like this are becoming harder and harder to come by. Smart writing, writing that’s fun and original, is slowly moving to television. That’s where smart and discerning adults have been turning to. Which means they don’t spend money on smart character pieces like Rush. Which means He-Man and Ninja Barbie Go To Disney isn’t far from getting made.

So I write this as a plea. Please, please, please save the Endangered Original Film. Don’t wait until flicks like these come to Blu-Ray. Don’t sit at home and watch Breaking Bad for the millionth time. And, especially, think twice before giving your hard-earned money to anything with a number behind its name.

Because, by supporting the sequel, by saving our money for Avenger’s 3 and Star Wars 38, we create the perception that we like this shit. And we don’t. Believe me, I’ve scanned enough internet message boards to know that we’re tired of sequels. We want new ideas. We’re just blaming the wrong people. This isn’t Hollywood’s fault. Hollywood is a moneymaking venture that will happily make anything we’re willing to pay for. And right now we’re handing them money to create stupid sequels and boring reboots.

We can do better.

Grade: A-


Don Jon And The Battle Of The Sexes

Dude, we don’t understand each other, but we’re sure as hell gonna fuck each other.

Listen, dude, bro, I ain’t gonna sugarcoat it for you. The battle of sexes is real and it is fierce. Look no further than movies. I’ll use this couple I know, we’ll call them Ross and Rachael, as an example.

Ross, like most red blooded American men who like to pound vag, loves watching action flicks. Riddick is a good time at the movies for him. Stupid hero? Check. Big explosions? Check. Hot chicks? A requirement. You throw these things into a movie and Ross is a happy camper. Other than that, leave him alone while he watches porn. And don’t even think about tempting him with stupid, cliché-ridden romantic comedies because shit like that doesn’t happen in real life.

Now we’re going to focus on Rachael, another prototypical example of the American dream, but with a vagina. See Rachael works hard all day. And she doesn’t need to be bothered worrying about her relationships or her family or even work. She just wants to veg out and watch something that will make her heart flutter a bit. That’s why Rachael picks romance more than any other genre. But, seriously, don’t talk to her about action movies because they only star stupid monosyllabic idiots and have fights that could never possibly happen in real life.

You see where I’m going with this, right? Both Ross and Rachael are fucking idiots. Both genres of films, any genre of film we watch too much in fact, warp our perception of reality. But, more than that, all film is supposed to be escapism. Of course nothing that happens in film can happen in real life. THAT’S WHY IT’S A FUCKING FILM!!! So, at the end of the day, all we’re left with is a deflated ego and unreliable expectations when it comes to the real world. It’s a topic I could speak, and sometimes do after a beer too many, at great length. It’s also a topic I never thought a film would be brave enough to tackle. But, what do you know, that Kid From 3rd Rock made a film about gender expectations in film. And it’s damn good.

Don Jon is all about this Guido from Jersey who likes to party and fuck. He’s a bad ass, basically. And, when he’s not balling chicks, he’s pounding down some porn for good measure. One day he meets Black Widow with a Jersey Accent and they hit it off. She wants him to stop watching porn. She says it makes him numb. Yet she can’t stop watching, and comparing, her life to a romantic comedy.

Listen, if effective writing is about establishing clear conflict and allowing that conflict to reach a boiling point, Don Jon works wonders. You know, from the first line, what Jon stands for. Then Black Widow comes along and, in a very realistic and smart way, stands for everything he’s not. It’s as simple as it is compelling.

It’s also very timely. It deals with the tired trope of man-boys like me without ever condescending to the viewer. And it also paints a realistic picture of today’s dating scene, which is equally impressive and sad.

So, the next time your significant other says they don’t want to watch your favorite genre, call them an idiot. Because we all gotta get out of our box. We all should try new things. And all genres are equally cliché ridden. If you don’t believe me, watch Don Jon, that dude will set you straight.

Grade: B+