Holy shit, I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why anyone would think this was a good idea. I’m even confused as to who would sell my earlier work, but, somehow, Hollywood got a hold of a script I wrote in Junior High and turned it into Kick-Ass 2.
This isn’t even humble bragging either. Believe me, take the writing skill I have now, which is close to zero to begin with, divide it by a million, and you have a vague idea of how shitty a script by a Hormonal Dudebro could be. At first I didn’t even believe it. The idea that someone could steal my horrible little script and turn it into a shitty big budget summer flick seems insane but the odd similarities are too much to ignore.
To wit, my version was called Cock-Punch 2: The Cock Punchining. It was a sequel to the far superior script I wrote: Cock-Punch. Now the saga of Cock-Punch is all about this nerdy nobody who decides to dress up as a super hero and fight criminals. He accomplishes this goal mainly by punching people in the cocks, as his name would dictate.
Now here’s where things get creepy. In Cock-Punch 2, Cock-Punch decides to come out of retirement and punch cocks again. And he needs to be trained by a little girl named Hit Chick. JUST LIKE KICK-ASS 2?!?!?!?!!!
But it doesn’t stop there, people. No, because Cock-Punch’s former friend, The Butt Fucker, decides to create a team of super villains to destroy Cock-Punch and Hit Chick. I even wrote scenes with a penis-biting dog, and another with chicks wanting to fuck Cock-Punch for no reason, and, because everything is better with a shark, I threw in a shark too. Oh, and of course my junior high self couldn’t write anything without adding gratuitous blood, vomit, and diarrhea.
Seriously, I don’t know how Hollywood managed to steal my ideas but you’ll never be able to convince me they didn’t. This stinker of a flick was obviously written by me in junior high. Or, if it wasn’t a stolen draft of my Cock-Punch 2 screen play, it had to been written by another thirteen year old. There’s no other excuse for how bad this film was.
It exists in this world where bad guys suffer from erectile dysfunction, all women are horny cheating sluts, and, seriously, there’s a lot of blood, vomit, and diarrhea. It doesn’t look anything like a world I know. A world that’s supposed to be “real” for lack of a better word.
Cause, as crazy as the third act of Kick-Ass 1 was, it still followed a set of logical rules. Kick-Ass 2 doesn’t give a shit. It just wants to fuck chicks, make bad guys shit themselves, and have dogs bite off dicks. It’s an uninspired mess and I should know, I wrote it when I was thirteen.