So I’m Pretty Sure I Wrote Kick Ass 2 In Junior High

Cock-Punch even wore a green scuba suit. COME ON, HOLLYWOOD!!!! Stop stealing my shit.

Holy shit, I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why anyone would think this was a good idea. I’m even confused as to who would sell my earlier work, but, somehow, Hollywood got a hold of a script I wrote in Junior High and turned it into Kick-Ass 2.

This isn’t even humble bragging either. Believe me, take the writing skill I have now, which is close to zero to begin with, divide it by a million, and you have a vague idea of how shitty a script by a Hormonal Dudebro could be. At first I didn’t even believe it. The idea that someone could steal my horrible little script and turn it into a shitty big budget summer flick seems insane but the odd similarities are too much to ignore.

To wit, my version was called Cock-Punch 2: The Cock Punchining. It was a sequel to the far superior script I wrote: Cock-Punch. Now the saga of Cock-Punch is all about this nerdy nobody who decides to dress up as a super hero and fight criminals. He accomplishes this goal mainly by punching people in the cocks, as his name would dictate.

Now here’s where things get creepy. In Cock-Punch 2, Cock-Punch decides to come out of retirement and punch cocks again. And he needs to be trained by a little girl named Hit Chick. JUST LIKE KICK-ASS 2?!?!?!?!!!

But it doesn’t stop there, people. No, because Cock-Punch’s former friend, The Butt Fucker, decides to create a team of super villains to destroy Cock-Punch and Hit Chick. I even wrote scenes with a penis-biting dog, and another with chicks wanting to fuck Cock-Punch for no reason, and, because everything is better with a shark, I threw in a shark too. Oh, and of course my junior high self couldn’t write anything without adding gratuitous blood, vomit, and diarrhea.

Seriously, I don’t know how Hollywood managed to steal my ideas but you’ll never be able to convince me they didn’t. This stinker of a flick was obviously written by me in junior high. Or, if it wasn’t a stolen draft of my Cock-Punch 2 screen play, it had to been written by another thirteen year old. There’s no other excuse for how bad this film was.

It exists in this world where bad guys suffer from erectile dysfunction, all women are horny cheating sluts, and, seriously, there’s a lot of blood, vomit, and diarrhea. It doesn’t look anything like a world I know. A world that’s supposed to be “real” for lack of a better word.

Cause, as crazy as the third act of Kick-Ass 1 was, it still followed a set of logical rules. Kick-Ass 2 doesn’t give a shit. It just wants to fuck chicks, make bad guys shit themselves, and have dogs bite off dicks. It’s an uninspired mess and I should know, I wrote it when I was thirteen.

Grade: D-

The Spectacular Now Not Spectacular Later

Aw, yeah, Homeboy is gonna get laid!!!!

In order to pound as much vag as I pound in a given week, I have to be charming. It just wouldn’t work otherwise. Chicks don’t respond to my cock because it’s giant. They respond to it because it whispers sweet nothings all night long. That’s right, my cock whispers. Deal with it.

You see, too often guys forget that, in the world of fucking, character comes first and foremost. And, more than that, your character directly determines the amount of sex you’ll earn. It’s a lost art, the art of character building and earning things through attrition. But The Spectacular Now understands this as is truly exceptional because of it.

The Spectacular Now stars Hick-Side-Kick from the Footloose reboot. He got upgraded to lead because, frankly, he’s got charisma oozing out his pores. He’s partying hard, landing hot chicks, and generally just being a pimp. That is until the Chick from Secret Life shows up, all nerdy hot, and makes him reevaluate his whole life.

Now, I know, this sounds like some bullshit romantic comedy. It’s not. There are many, many reasons why people should watch this film. The acting is exceptional. The narrative tight. And, just when you think you know where this film is going, it drops some pretty emotional bombs through good old-fashioned character building.

You see character building doesn’t happen often in flicks these days. Writers assume, because a character is the lead, the audience will like them. Think Man of Steel. At no point in that film did Zack Snyder take the time to give us a reason to root for Superman. He expected us to like Superman because we automatically have to love him as a character.

That’s lazy. And offensive.

Spectacular Now is neither. Footloose Hick-Side-Kick works hard to be likable. And, believe me, from the first scene, you’ll find yourself enjoying his company. He’s a lovable cad chicks will want to bang and dudes will want to drink with. He earns the audiences trust and support so, when his life starts to fall apart, the audience will be truly emotionally invested in his fate.

Spectacular Now is a gem of a film. And it’s great because it works hard for every emotional beat in the film. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my cock has some sweet nothings to whisper to the chick in my bed.

Grade: A

Elysium

Just wait, in five seconds Michigan J. Frog is gonna tear out of Damon’s anus and sing, “Hello my baby.”

Tone, Dudebros, it determines everything. From dates, to dinner, to fucking to storytelling. Tone decides the outcome if people will have a good time or a bad time. Especially in film. I bet, sometimes, you walk out of a flick disappointed, a little confused, something was off about what you saw and you couldn’t quite pit your finger on it. Well my friend, I almost guarantee you the problem was tonal imbalance.

It’s hard to pin point. Sometimes it’s something small like an ill timed joke in a comedy. It could be something huge like an overly serious comic film. Or, sometimes it’s even worse, like a misplaced happy ending onto a bleak sci-fi drama. Guess the fuck what? Elysium totally falls victim to the latter.

So Elysium is all about Jason Borne tie traveling to a shitty future where shitty rich people take shits on shitty poor people. The shitty poor people steal and explode things, can’t hate their game. And the shitty rich people get healthcare. That makes Time Traveling Jason Borne all angry and shit. So he’s like, “Fuck these shitty rich people. I’m gonna go murder Time Traveling French Accented Clarice Starling.”

So it goes. Some robots get disintegrated. And humans lose their lives in amazingly shot, violent set pieces. It’s seriously rad. I was literally in the theater, pulling down my pants, and yanking on my giant twelve-inch dick. It’s exactly what summer movies should be: fun, violent, and meaningful.

Yet, toward the last act, shit changes. The tone switches and, frankly, it robs a lot of the preceding action of any meaning. Now, don’t worry, I won’t spoil things. I’ll merely mention that Elysium is not a happy movie. It’s dark and depressing. That’s the tone that was set up in the first two acts. So, in the last act, when things suddenly become less dark and depressing, it feels disingenuous.

And, sure, I’m sure those of you who have seen the film could argue that the ending is closer to “bitter sweet” than “full on happy.” But we’ll just be arguing semantics at that point. Yeah, sure, Disney cartoons don’t fly out of Jason Borne’s butt and sing show tunes. It doesn’t get that happy. But it gets happy enough for there be a disruption in tone.

So, there’s a lot to love here. Great cast. Flawless action. And a strong story idea. Unfortunately it falls apart under the weight of an alarmingly dreary tone and a fairly upbeat ending.

Grade: B+

The Wolverine Tries

“Alright, I saved your life. We’re gonna gamble then you owe me a blow job.” Broadway Wolverine

Fucking the same chick multiple times gets boring. That’s why I like to shake things up, seek new pussy, and give that a try. Cause, even if the sex isn’t better, it’s at least different. Different is good. It shakes things up. Spices that thing we call life.

This aversion to boredom extends to all walks of my life, especially movies. Why do I want to see the same film over and over again when I can watch something new. Something I haven’t seen before. Comic movies lately have become stale to say the least. The villain shows up, starts some shit. The hero blows up the villain. Rinse. Repeat. The Wolverine tries desperately to break this cycle, give the audience something different in the comic world. It fails. But, sometimes, trying is all that’s needed for a film to entertain.

So Broadway Wolverine is all sad that crazy-bird-red-head died in X3. He dreams about her every night and hangs out with bears during the day. Until some crazy old Japanese Dude wants to cure Broadway Wolverine of his immortality. Wolverine loses his powers. Then rage sings the rest of the film until a rather clunky third act.

See, from the get go, The Wolverine is not a super hero film. It’s a fucking Western. Broadway Wolverine is a haunted bro in a strange land. And he’s trying to settle some scores before he gets murdered.

The word mutant is only uttered around four times the entire film. The typical persecution themes in previous X-Films have been abandoned as well. What’s left is a hyper focused character piece about a Lone Gunslinger fighting escalating odds.

And, for real, the first two acts work. Sure, if I want to get nit-picky, I could rant about the murky villains, or the typical love interest. But, by and large, it’s a tight action film that really does share more with Samurai and Western flicks than comic movies.

Then the third act pops up and, because the studio probably got worried the film was too awesome, The Wolverine becomes a standard comic film complete with snake women and giant robots. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like giant robots as much as the next person, but it doesn’t work here. Not when the preceding two hours have done such a wonderful job creating a distinctive film. To fall back on typical comic tropes robs The Wolverine of being truly memorable.

But, I can’t hate too hard. It tried, man. It really did want to be something special. It failed. Sure. But, in a pretty bleak time for film, trying can seem like a breath of fresh air. Plus, it completely washes away the bad taste left over from Wolverine Origins.

Grade: B-