I dated this broad once, a real piece of work, bi-polar as shit. One minute, we’d be out having a perfectly fine dinner down at the local Arby’s. The next, she’d be throwing roast beef sandwiches at me because I called her fat. Then two seconds later, she’d be banging me on a pile of curly fries, pulling my hair, and calling me a little bitch. The chick was as extreme as a BMX biking snowboarder climbing a mountain. I thought about her a lot during the equally manic The Lone Ranger.
The Lone Ranger stars Facebook Ranger as he teams up with Racist Captain Jack Sparrow. They don’t really like each other but they hate criminals. So they’re all like, “Fuck criminals. Let’s take them down. WITH TRAINS!!!” So they ride around on horses until they find trains. Then they blow shit up. With more trains. The end.
If that sounds entertaining, I’m sorry. I spiced it up a bit. It’s seriously light years from entertaining. There’s more walking and talking than a Lord of the Rings movie. And it’s practically just as long. Worse yet, there’s no fucking reason for it. This stupid fucking film is crammed with pointless scene after pointless scene. It bloats it up until it’s almost impossible to understand the themes, characters, or tones.
And, these unnecessary scenes are wildly different. Sometimes there’s a wacky Three Stooges physical gag. Sometimes they get real serious and murder Native Americans for no good reason. Sometimes they’ll throw in a pointless love triangle, cause everyone enjoys a good lay. Sometimes it just wants to be a loud action movie. You’ll get whiplash dealing with all the genre changes.
It’s a shame too cause some sequences really do pop. The climax of the film, in particular, is so frenetic and perfect they should turn it into a ride at Disneyland. Of all the tones and genres The Lone Ranger steals from, the climax is the greatest. It’s kitschy without being lame. It’s entertaining without trying. And, unlike the rest of the film, it knows exactly what it wants to be.
Cause tone means everything in filmmaking. Quentin Tarantino films, for example, would be lost without his usual flourishes. They set an expectation for an audience member. The Lone Ranger wants to be jack of all trades and it becomes a master of none. Except for that climax. Damn, that scene was awesome.