Look, I’m no dummy, chicks don’t bang me for my brains. They like to ball because, frankly, I’m hung like a horse and have abs that can clean their dirty laundry. Ya hear me, washer board city. And, after a couple fuck-fests, they catch on that there’s not exactly anything deep going on in my brain. So they get bored and leave. Freeing me up to screw the next chick in line. I am, for all intents and purposes, style over substance. A pretty package in a hollow shell. So is the new Superman flick, Man of Steel.
Man Of Steel is the millionth origin story of Superman. Krypton explodes for the millionth time. Lois Lane gets in trouble for the millionth time. And Ma and Pa Kent find a little naked baby alien for the millionth time. So, already, yawn city. It’s a pointless retread. But then this Evil Dude from Krypton shows up and decides to blow up the entire earth, cause that’s just how evil dudes roll. The final section of the film is one giant fight that serves no narrative purpose. The End.
First, the good shit, I’ll give some props to this film for actually trying. You can tell Zach Snyder spent some time on this baby. A lot of thought went into making Superman as interesting as an invincible God can actually be. Plus, the general idea of an alien crash landing on earth is treated with the logical dramatic heft it deserves.
Now, here’s comes the shitty part, even when Snyder tries, the results are still pretty stupid. Snyder’s a fairly attractive dude, no homo. And he makes million dollar movies. I suspect he was even in some sporting group in high school, probably moved onto some frat in college. He’s, as far as I can tell, a douche bag like me. That means he doesn’t give a shit about “feelings” or “character arcs” or even “plot.” Nope. He just wants to see buildings explode.
This doesn’t work when you want me to care about Superman, who is, by nature, hard to care about. He’s either too strong and decent to be interesting. Or he’s too conflicted about being perfect to really rally behind.
So, instead of taking the time, fighting the hard fight of fleshing Clark Kent out, Snyder just decides to create a three hour video game. And, believe me, if there are no stakes, if the only thing that’s important is aesthetics, the movie is going to be a rough fucking ride. And Man Of Steel is a rough fucking ride.
Yes, shit explodes. Yes, there are aliens and spaceships. There’s even an emergency eye-laser surgery scene. But it’s all hollow. It means nothing. It’s pretty to look at, Snyder has always been good with cinematography. But I think he needs to chill, sit down, and maybe think about creating a film with actually emotional resonance. Otherwise he’s gonna end up like me: alone, hung over, and nursing a massive case of morning wood.