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Fast Six

When will these two crazy kids stop racing cars and fuck each other already?

I’ve got a philosophy that gets me through life. It’s a pretty easy one: more is better, bigger is better. For instance: what would be better than banging a hot chick? Banging fifty thousand hot chicks! Or, what would be better than eating one Doritos Loco Taco? Eating a million Doritios Loco Tacos, duh. And, especially when it comes to movies, twenty million explosions are always better than one. One explosion is for pussies. And, it turns out, The Fast series shares my philosophy. Or at least it used to before Six.

Each and every Fast movie has been better than the last. Which is a pretty rare feat but the first one sucked nuts anyway. So they could only go up from there. And, after years of dicking around, they finally found their groove with Five. Cause Fast Five didn’t waste anytime with “logic” or “plot.” Everyone in the film could speak in grunts and you’d still get the point. And, in between the grunts, things blow up and cars go fast. I was hoping Six would be just as good. But it stumbles by trying to make sense out of the idiotic plot.

The film is kicks off when The Rock finds out Bald Racer Dude’s girlfriend is alive. So Bald Racer Dude brings all his crew together to find her. She’s hanging out with a bad guy. So Bald Dude decides to explode the entire world until his girlfriend comes back to him. Then more explosions happen.

The action is, admittedly, fun to watch. There are tanks. There’s even an exploding airplane. The actors are pretty to look at and you don’t have to think once from start to finish. But, as extreme as Six wants to be, it’s still not as fun as Five.

See the fatal flaw here is that Six expects the audience to care about plot more than action. That’s not the type of film this is. Five didn’t even worry with characters. They just sped from one chase to the next. This time Bald Racer Dude spends half the film moping like a little girl all because his woman has amnesia. Yawn. No thanks. There’s a time and place for plot, in far smarter movies. This movie is stupid. There’s nothing wrong with that but it loses points for trying to be smarter than it isn’t.

Grade: C+


About dudebroreviews

I like banging chicks, drinking brews, and ordering porn on demand. Like the biggest boss you've ever seen.

8 responses to “Fast Six

  1. toaster ⋅

    Dude Fast Six was so tits. Like the tittiest of the series.

  2. Great review. The theaters were packed and all the shows for Fast Six were sold out. I’m going to have to catch it this weekend 🙂

  3. If you think that the only thing Fast and Furious movies are gun fire and explosions and hot chicks then you missed something this is important to most of the series (not Tokyo Drift). A big underlying theme for the series is family and that has been pushed to the front in 5 and now even more so in Fast 6. This movie wasn’t watched because of the explosions and gun fire, no one cared about the bad guy. Everyone wanted to see Letty back and that is why they watched it. And finally Tokyo Drift gets tied into the series. This film did an awesome job. A movie does not suck because it doesn’t have endless explosions and gun-fire that is an extremely shallow movie. I am not seeing that movies like the Expendables isn’t awesome, but there is more to movies than pure action, especially a Franchise.

    • I totally get what you’re saying, and I appreciate it. But my argument isn’t that there needs to be explosions. I’m all for a story about familial bonding and shit. My argument is that the Fast Franchise isn’t smart enough, and the actors aren’t compelling enough, for me to actively care. Fast wants to be smart. It isn’t. There isn’t anything wrong with that. I love stupid movies. I don’t love movies that try to be something they aren’t. Thus, Fast should stick to what it does well, explosions. Cause they haven’t yet made me care about any character besides Ludacris.

      • I can understand your argument that if you don’t care about the characters Fast 6 would be a failure because the action does take a back seat to the drama of the characters. Hopefully the next one finds a better balance.

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