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Vegetables Vs Dessert The Star Trek Debate

BLOW UP ALL THE SHIPS!!!!!

Any child who isn’t a complete idiot will tell you vegetables suck. They’re gross and get in the way of awesome things, like steak and beer. People only eat them because they “don’t want to die” and “need to reduce their cholesterol.” Whatever. Veggies are, for all intents and purposes, a necessary evil. Just like the old Star Trek.

Cause, any nerd who isn’t a complete idiot will tell you Star Wars is better than Star Trek. You want to know why? Star Wars was dessert. It had everything an adventure in space should have: explosions, a cool looking evil cyborg dude, incest, swords made of lasers, gay robots, spaceship battles, mind strangles, and arms got chopped off. There’s nothing about Star Wars that wasn’t exciting.

Star Trek, conversely, was always filled with intelligent, boring, people sitting around a cockpit talking about intelligent, boring things. I don’t want to hate on it too much. The OG Star Trek was important for many reasons. But it was also cold and plodding, two things a space adventure should never be. Trek always kept viewers at bay, while Wars pulled them in for a giant wookie hug. This isn’t a bad thing. Trek was just the vegetable of science fiction. It was necessary, not necessarily exciting.

I know a ton of nerds got pissed when the new Trek came out because, well, it was closer to Wars than anything that had come before it. Gone where the long winded debates. Forgotten where the one note characterizations. Instead, quite purposely by J.J. Abrams, Trek became a lean, mean action film with explosions to spare. If that type of thing annoys you, you probably won’t like Star Trek Into Darkness. If you like explosions and sleek action scenes, Into Darkness should blow the panties right off your butt.

Star Trek Into Darkness is all about Angry Kirk fighting teaming up with Calm Spock to fight Super English Man. That’s it. I told you, there ain’t a lot of fat on this baby. It’s streamlined into almost one continuous action/chase sequence. Sure, allegiances change, and there’s a heavy 9-11 metaphor going on, but Into Darkness just wants to entertain you above all else.

There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s summer, damn it!!! I want to be entertained!! MY POPCORN DEMANDS EXPLOSIONS!!! I don’t care if this film isn’t like the previous incarnations of Trek. Frankly, that’s what I like most about this series. And, sure, I can understand how this film might irk hardcore fans. But I think their adherence to cannon is blinding them to something truly awesome.

Real talk: I’m a huge Batman fan. Rich dude bangs a bunch of randoms then hops in a sweet ride to punch bad dudes in the face? How can you not be a Batman fan? He’s the coolest baller ever. And, I remember coming out of Batman Begins a little perturbed. Because Begins wasn’t Batman. It was too realistic, not comic book-y enough to be the Dark Knight I knew and loved. Yet, one day, a year or so after, I rewatched it and realized that, while Nolan’s Trilogy isn’t a direct copy of the comic I know and love, it shared it’s spirit.

I argue that the new Trek maintains the true spirit of the original, and that’s all that matters. It’s the characters the geeks know and love with a moral conundrums they’ve come to expect. They just, you know, super charged it to a million. And, sure, it may have lost a few IQ points along the way but, for the first time in my life, I find myself enjoying Trek over Wars. I don’t care if they had to pour sugar over my vegetables to do it. So beam me up so I can start banging green chicks already.

Grade: A-

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About dudebroreviews

I like banging chicks, drinking brews, and ordering porn on demand. Like the biggest boss you've ever seen.

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