Fast Six

When will these two crazy kids stop racing cars and fuck each other already?

I’ve got a philosophy that gets me through life. It’s a pretty easy one: more is better, bigger is better. For instance: what would be better than banging a hot chick? Banging fifty thousand hot chicks! Or, what would be better than eating one Doritos Loco Taco? Eating a million Doritios Loco Tacos, duh. And, especially when it comes to movies, twenty million explosions are always better than one. One explosion is for pussies. And, it turns out, The Fast series shares my philosophy. Or at least it used to before Six.

Each and every Fast movie has been better than the last. Which is a pretty rare feat but the first one sucked nuts anyway. So they could only go up from there. And, after years of dicking around, they finally found their groove with Five. Cause Fast Five didn’t waste anytime with “logic” or “plot.” Everyone in the film could speak in grunts and you’d still get the point. And, in between the grunts, things blow up and cars go fast. I was hoping Six would be just as good. But it stumbles by trying to make sense out of the idiotic plot.

The film is kicks off when The Rock finds out Bald Racer Dude’s girlfriend is alive. So Bald Racer Dude brings all his crew together to find her. She’s hanging out with a bad guy. So Bald Dude decides to explode the entire world until his girlfriend comes back to him. Then more explosions happen.

The action is, admittedly, fun to watch. There are tanks. There’s even an exploding airplane. The actors are pretty to look at and you don’t have to think once from start to finish. But, as extreme as Six wants to be, it’s still not as fun as Five.

See the fatal flaw here is that Six expects the audience to care about plot more than action. That’s not the type of film this is. Five didn’t even worry with characters. They just sped from one chase to the next. This time Bald Racer Dude spends half the film moping like a little girl all because his woman has amnesia. Yawn. No thanks. There’s a time and place for plot, in far smarter movies. This movie is stupid. There’s nothing wrong with that but it loses points for trying to be smarter than it isn’t.

Grade: C+


Vegetables Vs Dessert The Star Trek Debate


Any child who isn’t a complete idiot will tell you vegetables suck. They’re gross and get in the way of awesome things, like steak and beer. People only eat them because they “don’t want to die” and “need to reduce their cholesterol.” Whatever. Veggies are, for all intents and purposes, a necessary evil. Just like the old Star Trek.

Cause, any nerd who isn’t a complete idiot will tell you Star Wars is better than Star Trek. You want to know why? Star Wars was dessert. It had everything an adventure in space should have: explosions, a cool looking evil cyborg dude, incest, swords made of lasers, gay robots, spaceship battles, mind strangles, and arms got chopped off. There’s nothing about Star Wars that wasn’t exciting.

Star Trek, conversely, was always filled with intelligent, boring, people sitting around a cockpit talking about intelligent, boring things. I don’t want to hate on it too much. The OG Star Trek was important for many reasons. But it was also cold and plodding, two things a space adventure should never be. Trek always kept viewers at bay, while Wars pulled them in for a giant wookie hug. This isn’t a bad thing. Trek was just the vegetable of science fiction. It was necessary, not necessarily exciting.

I know a ton of nerds got pissed when the new Trek came out because, well, it was closer to Wars than anything that had come before it. Gone where the long winded debates. Forgotten where the one note characterizations. Instead, quite purposely by J.J. Abrams, Trek became a lean, mean action film with explosions to spare. If that type of thing annoys you, you probably won’t like Star Trek Into Darkness. If you like explosions and sleek action scenes, Into Darkness should blow the panties right off your butt.

Star Trek Into Darkness is all about Angry Kirk fighting teaming up with Calm Spock to fight Super English Man. That’s it. I told you, there ain’t a lot of fat on this baby. It’s streamlined into almost one continuous action/chase sequence. Sure, allegiances change, and there’s a heavy 9-11 metaphor going on, but Into Darkness just wants to entertain you above all else.

There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s summer, damn it!!! I want to be entertained!! MY POPCORN DEMANDS EXPLOSIONS!!! I don’t care if this film isn’t like the previous incarnations of Trek. Frankly, that’s what I like most about this series. And, sure, I can understand how this film might irk hardcore fans. But I think their adherence to cannon is blinding them to something truly awesome.

Real talk: I’m a huge Batman fan. Rich dude bangs a bunch of randoms then hops in a sweet ride to punch bad dudes in the face? How can you not be a Batman fan? He’s the coolest baller ever. And, I remember coming out of Batman Begins a little perturbed. Because Begins wasn’t Batman. It was too realistic, not comic book-y enough to be the Dark Knight I knew and loved. Yet, one day, a year or so after, I rewatched it and realized that, while Nolan’s Trilogy isn’t a direct copy of the comic I know and love, it shared it’s spirit.

I argue that the new Trek maintains the true spirit of the original, and that’s all that matters. It’s the characters the geeks know and love with a moral conundrums they’ve come to expect. They just, you know, super charged it to a million. And, sure, it may have lost a few IQ points along the way but, for the first time in my life, I find myself enjoying Trek over Wars. I don’t care if they had to pour sugar over my vegetables to do it. So beam me up so I can start banging green chicks already.

Grade: A-

Average Actors Going Up Against The Great Gatsby

To you, Stalker Titanic Jack, for keeping this film charming as fuck.

I will always have a soft spot for Baz Lurhmann. The dude’s in my top ten favorite directors, easy. And he got there because, unlike most major filmmakers, Lurhmann relies entirely on his heart. He’s essentially an over eager talented three year old drawing in crayon all over the walls. He doesn’t care about metaphors. He rarely understands subtlety. If someone falls in love in a Lurhmann movie, it’s generally accompanied by rainbows, and bright hearts flying all around the screen.

His style assaults you so strongly that you’re forced to feel instead of think. Normally I hate anything resembling manipulation. But, with Lurhmann, it never feels like he’s forcing you to feel, or forcing you how to feel. The dude just feels so much that it bleeds over into his films which bleeds over to the audience. So, obviously, the dude’s a perfect fit for The Great Gatsby. The parties, the opulence, and seduction are all in Baz Lurhmann’s wheelhouse. Everything about Gatsby should be great. Instead, it’s merely good and I blame the actors, not old Baz-y Boy.

Gatsby stars Exposition Spider-man as he moves next door to Stalker Titanic “I’m King of the World” Jack. They become friends mostly because Stalker Titanic Jack wants to bang Exposition Spider-man’s cousin. She’s played by Miss. Ex Shia LaBeouf who pretty much just stands around like a pretty prop. There are parties. People get fucked. Some people even die. It’s all classic, classic stuff. No wonder English classes still teach this book.

It’s also incredibly faithful. There are direct exchanges lifted from the book, which I count as a good thing. Because the book is pretty snappy, narrative-ly speaking. There’s even bright popping visuals and kick ass soundtrack provided by Jay-Z. On paper, everything should work. But it doesn’t, not entirely, thanks to two actors in particular.

First off, Exposition Spider-man has never been that strong of an actor. He got lucky in Cider House Rules because his character was supposed to be a socially inept loner. Then he doubled down his luck in Spider-man because his character was supposed to be a socially inept loner. Yet, here, in Gatsby, he’s supposed to emote, do things. But he pretty much just sits around and casts longing gay-bones-glances at Gatsby. Exposition Spider-man is our lifeline to this larger than life world and, because he never does anything to earn the audience’s affection, a major piece of the film is lost.

Then there’s Gatsby’s lover Daisy. She’s a hot mess. And Miss. Ex Shia LaBeouf is many, many things but a hot mess isn’t one of them. She’s got the sad panda eyes down pat. And she even knows how to act like a glorified mannequin. But there’s always been a flippancy to Daisy. Yes, she’s sad and pretty but she’s also a bit hollow, a bit dumb. Miss. Ex Shia LaBeouf is not dumb. She’s too composed and classy to ever play dumb.

These two actors flounder through there scenes lifelessly until, like a spark in the night, Stalker Titanic Jack emerges with charisma and charm to guide these two through a Lurhmann film. Because that’s what it comes down to: it takes a very specific actor to thrive in a Lurhmann film. Moulin Rouge would have stunk to high heaven if Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman didn’t ooze sappy charm. And Australia floats solely on Hugh Jackman’s sad mysteriousness.

There are scenes in which The Great Gatsby does excel. Scenes that give us images of what could have been. The tea scene is a finely crafted piece of cinema that made me want more. It showed how wonderful Lurhmann is as a director, just as long as he has a proper cast to back him up. It’s a shame Gatsby’s cast wasn’t greater.

Grade: B-

Putting On The Nerd Cap For Iron Man 3

Explosions gonna happen, bitch!!!

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: we live in the age of the nerd. Real talk: lately pulling in chicks to bang has become harder (Like my cock!!!!) because I’m fight against nerds now too. In the old days, the halcyon years of pulling in poon, I’d go to a bar and only have to worry about the other suave dudes spitting game. Now I’ve got to deal with that greasy fuck and the asshole wearing a Star Wars shirt like it hasn’t been washed in decades. It’s colored my opinion of nerds to say the least. Namely, fuck nerds.

But then it hit me: if I can’t beat these douchers, I could join them. Chicks want to fuck nerds? Great, I’ll become the nerdiest fuck that ever picked up a Nintendo controller. I’LL READ ALL OF THE COMICS!!!! I’LL HAVE POINTLESS FIGHTS ABOUT WHO SHOT FIRST!!!! I’LL EVEN ACT INTERESTED WHEN A NEW IRON MAN MOVIE COMES OUT, CAUSE CHICKS DIG TONY STARK!!!

In all seriousness, Iron Man 1 was pretty rad. He balled chicks, blew some shit up. All shit I can get behind. But Iron Man 2 got bogged down in too much nerdy bullshit, setting up the Avenger’s and shit. There was too much Shield and not enough plot. And, frankly, it backfired on Marvel’s ass. Everyone hated that film. So now, Iron Man 3 has to tow the line of being an actual film, and setting up Phase Two of the Avenger’s series. It’s a tightrope walk but one that the film does mildly well.

So Iron Man is all tortured after the Avengers. He won’t even fuck his hot girlfriend because he’s too busy making new armor. You know, just in case another alien invasion happens. He’s so preoccupied with being a shut in that he forgets about this terrorist dude who wants to blow up the world. Will Stark get off his angsty metal ass had blow shit up? Of course. And it’s fun to watch.

The entire film is careful to be VERY stand alone. Unlike Iron Man 2, there’s barely any Avenger’s connection. They mention past events, sure. But other than that Stark is on his own. And, strangely, this creates an entirely different set of problems. Now that the Avengers exist, now that they’re national heroes, why aren’t they lending a hand to Iron Man? Why isn’t Shield there to investigate the Mandarin? I put on my nerd cap and came out with a shit ton of questions like these.

Qibbles aside, it’s a fun flick with great humor. Sure, if you think about it, it doesn’t make much sense. But, eh, being a nerd seems like a lot of work. Fuck it. I’m back to being a bad ass. It only means I get to enjoy silly movies more, instead of asking thousands of questions.

Grade: B+