Hey Hollywood, I hear you’re ramping up production of a new Point Break reboot. Let me be one of many to say: FUCK YOU! Seriously, go fuck yourselves. And, while you’re out there fucking yourself, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!!
Now, I’m not one to get my panties in a twist when it comes to remakes. The biggest complaint I hear from people who don’t go to movies is, “It’s all just stupid sequels or reboots.” Which is true. But Hollywood gives the audience what they want. Even if there are very few good reboots. The average American won’t walk into a theater unless there’s a reboot, sequel, prequel, midquel, or re-se-mid-boot involved. We, as patrons, created the problem.
I generally roll my eyes when people bitch about the lack of originality in Hollywood. We created this mess. Hollywood adjusted accordingly. It’s just a fact that almost every great movie will get remade these days. But Point Break is another thing entirely. This news has turned me into an overprotective parent. Point Break is hella radical and nobody should mess with it. Seriously, I can’t say this enough, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!
I want to remind everyone, from an action standpoint, Point Break is a perfect film. Every beat, every shot, every line is designed to be both memorably cheesy and extremely tense. It’s a giddy blend of 80’s moxie and 90’s grunge. It exists in a special time where films could get away with being wildly unrealistic. So recreating it would only make the reboot gritty and unmemorable by design. It would either, recreate great scenes poorly, or ignore them entirely. In either scenario, the viewer gets screwed over. So, come on, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!!
Plus, for real, they already filmed a shitty Point Break remake. It’s called The Fast And the Furious. Now, I know a lot of people love The Fast and The Furious but I’m not one of them. It’s boring. And, more importantly, it’s a poor-man’s Point Break. But with cars. Not surf boards.
You know what’s cooler than cars? Surfing a killer wave, brah!
You know what’s cooler than that? Skydiving without a parachute, brah!
Fuck car chases. Unless it’s in a van. And the drivers of the van are wearing dead president’s masks. Then it’s just radical.
It reaffirms my last point. Everything they could do in a remake was done in The Fast and The Furious. And it sucked. It took, like, four fucking sequels for that series to entertain. I don’t have time for Point Break 2, 3, and 4 just so I can enjoy Point Break 5: Breaking Point Broke Pointiest. NOW GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!!
Finally, who the fuck could ham it up as gloriously as the cast of Point Break? I’d really like to know. Cause Crazy Swayze was equal parts threatening and goofy. That’s a hard fucking high wire act to walk. But that son of bitch did it. He made you root for a cold blooded sociopath.
Who is possibly charismatic to do justice to such a great cinematic character? Gosling? Maybe, but I hear he’s taking a year off. Channing Tatum? Yeah, ok. I could rob a bank with that dude. But, again, I hear he’s also taking a year off. Which leaves some dip shit from the CW nobody will give a rats ass about. No thanks, SO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!
Whew. Ok, I’m starting to breathe again. I’m glad I got that off my chest. Man, you know what though? I could really watch Point Break about now. Fuck yeah, let’s do this shit. I’ll worry about this shitty remake another day. Via Con Dias, Dudebros!