BRO-DOWN WITH PAIN AND GAIN!!!!!!

Aw yeah, Marky Marks guns are showing. So you know what time it is. It’s about that time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme.

WHAT UP BITCHES?!!?!?!?!! I’M ALL JACKED UP AND READY TO PUNCH SOME NERDS IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!! CAUSE FUCK NERDS!!!!! AAAARRRUUUGGGHGHHGHHG!!!!!!

Ahem, sorry, Pain and Gain filled me up with some collegiate passion. I loved college. Back when dudes were dudes. Chicks were sluts. And nerds got their faces beat in. It’s been too long long since I’ve carried that passion of Brodowning with with some DudeBros. Pain and Gain made me want to chill with my homies and drink some brews. So, I mean, it’s not perfect but it made me feel something. That’s something for a Micheal Bay film, if you ask me.

Pain and Gain is about Marky Mark working in a gym. He’s all tired of that shit. So he’s like, “Yo, Dudebros, let’s rob Monk blind and live off the spoils.” The Rock is all like, “I love Jesus and crack. YES!!! Let’s do this!!!” Thus begins a twisted, and apparently true, tale about their heist. Shit gets crazy, people do steroids, and a hand gets barbequed. It’s all right up Bay’s alley.

Word on the street is that this is a film Bay has been trying to get made for years. And the only reason it got made is because Bay finally agreed to film Transformers 4, a tit for tat type scenario. Now, if you were to ask me, I never would have pegged Bay as a man of passion. He’s not exactly the deepest dude on the block, and that’s fine. He likes to supersaturate the camera lens, throw in some hot chicks, and add explosions. It’s all very fun, generally. I can appreciate dumb fun and that’s a skill Bay excels at. So I never took him for a dude who, you know, thought… thoughts… and stuff.

Turns out, I’m not that far off, because even his passion project is pretty fucking dumb. But, like most Bay films, it’s also pretty fucking fun. The difference here is in the character presentation. In Pain and Gain, the main characters are supposed to be idiots. So it makes perfect sense for them to do stupid ass shit that confounds you as a viewer. In fact, because it’s supposedly true, it’s kind of fascinating. In fact, this story is perfectly suited to Bay’s style. It’s loud, over the top, and filled to the brim with buff dudes. It forms around him like a tight fitted glove.

Now, let’s be very clear, this isn’t a good film. This isn’t art by any means. This is low down dirty fun, fun that’ll make you want to Bro-down with your buddies and get all sweaty by lifting some weights. It is, conversly, Bay at his best. Which, it turns out, is still VERY Bay.

Grade: C+

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Oblivion and the Benefit of Surprises

It’s ok, Wall-e. Someday you’re true love will fall from the sky and send you on a crazy adventure. You just gotta keep waiting, buddy.

Guess what, Bitches? I’m coining a new phrase: Trailer-Fucked.

Trailer-Fucked: Noun. Adjective. 

        1: When a Trailer doesn’t show important scenes from a movie.

        2: Bait and switching the final product of a movie. 

Boom! It’s in the books people. Trailer-Fucked. And, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been Trailer-Fucked by Oblivion.

Oblivion is the new flick starring Mr. Ex Nicole Kidman. He’s stuck on a post apocalyptic earth, like Wall-e. And he’s tasked with fixing the joint up, like Wall-e. But he dreams of more, like Wall-e. Then a mysterious ship crash lands on earth and changes everything our hero knows, you know, like Wall-e.

Truly, from that description, and from the trailer, you’d be smart to expect Wall-e. On paper, the film walks like Wall-e, talks like Wall-e, and is even as starkly beautiful as Wall-e. There’s nothing wrong with that. That cartoon is a masterpiece and more films should strive to be as good. But, if you go by the trailer, you’re in for multiple surprises.

Which is a great thing. Really. Too few films throw every radical scene into the trailer. Have you watched the trailer for the Avengers? Nearly half of it takes up the final battle of the film. Which, whatever, isn’t bad or good. But, frankly, it’s rare for a film to surprise me these days. Watching a trailer is a short-form film. Nearly every major beat of a movie is in the trailer. Sometimes, I’m looking at you Quarantine, a flick even blatantly reveals the climax in the trailer. I’m not even railing against trailers. They’ve always been this way. You wanna get butts in seats, you gotta show cool shit, which generally includes the final scenes of a film. Oblivion goes the opposite route and is all the better for it.

The entire trailer of Oblivion takes up, maybe the first forty minutes of the film. Then, well, then it’s a cluster-fuck of crazy thrown onto the screen at a furious pace. I’m not sure if I was entertained by this film because it was actually good, or because I was actually surprised by the events unfolding. Either way, I’m not gonna spoil the second half, but rest assured, it gets pretty nutty. I like nutty. You’ll probably like Oblivion if you like nutty.

So, summing up, a good trailer is a work of art on it’s own merit. The purpose is to, not only entertain, but get you to throw money at the silver screen. Generally they show too much, which ends up dimming the final effect of the film. Oblivion saves the aces for shock value. And it works. Damn it all, it’s a surprising little film thanks to a little thing called secrecy.

Grade: B-  

If You Remake Point Break, I’ll Break Point Your Face

I don’t know if they’re gonna fight or fuck. But, either way, I’m watching.

Hey Hollywood, I hear you’re ramping up production of a new Point Break reboot. Let me be one of many to say: FUCK YOU! Seriously, go fuck yourselves. And, while you’re out there fucking yourself, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!!

Now, I’m not one to get my panties in a twist when it comes to remakes. The biggest complaint I hear from people who don’t go to movies is, “It’s all just stupid sequels or reboots.” Which is true. But Hollywood gives the audience what they want. Even if there are very few good reboots. The average American won’t walk into a theater unless there’s a reboot, sequel, prequel, midquel, or re-se-mid-boot involved. We, as patrons, created the problem.

I generally roll my eyes when people bitch about the lack of originality in Hollywood. We created this mess. Hollywood adjusted accordingly. It’s just a fact that almost every great movie will get remade these days. But Point Break is another thing entirely. This news has turned me into an overprotective parent. Point Break is hella radical and nobody should mess with it. Seriously, I can’t say this enough, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!

I want to remind everyone, from an action standpoint, Point Break is a perfect film. Every beat, every shot, every line is designed to be both memorably cheesy and extremely tense. It’s a giddy blend of 80’s moxie and 90’s grunge. It exists in a special time where films could get away with being wildly unrealistic. So recreating it would only make the reboot gritty and unmemorable by design. It would either, recreate great scenes poorly, or ignore them entirely. In either scenario, the viewer gets screwed over. So, come on, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!!

Plus, for real, they already filmed a shitty Point Break remake. It’s called The Fast And the Furious. Now, I know a lot of people love The Fast and The Furious but I’m not one of them. It’s boring. And, more importantly, it’s a poor-man’s Point Break. But with cars. Not surf boards.

You know what’s cooler than cars? Surfing a killer wave, brah!

Brody is always looking for the next kick.

You know what’s cooler than that? Skydiving without a parachute, brah!

Dudebros for life!!!!!!!!

Fuck car chases. Unless it’s in a van. And the drivers of the van are wearing dead president’s masks. Then it’s just radical.

Someone’s gonna get shot. That’s just how Point Break rolls.

It reaffirms my last point. Everything they could do in a remake was done in The Fast and The Furious. And it sucked. It took, like, four fucking sequels for that series to entertain. I don’t have time for Point Break 2, 3, and 4 just so I can enjoy Point Break 5: Breaking Point Broke Pointiest. NOW GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!!

Finally, who the fuck could ham it up as gloriously as the cast of Point Break? I’d really like to know. Cause Crazy Swayze was equal parts threatening and goofy. That’s a hard fucking high wire act to walk. But that son of bitch did it. He made you root for a cold blooded sociopath.

Who is possibly charismatic to do justice to such a great cinematic character? Gosling? Maybe, but I hear he’s taking a year off. Channing Tatum? Yeah, ok. I could rob a bank with that dude. But, again, I hear he’s also taking a year off. Which leaves some dip shit from the CW nobody will give a rats ass about. No thanks, SO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM POINT BREAK!!!

Whew. Ok, I’m starting to breathe again. I’m glad I got that off my chest. Man, you know what though? I could really watch Point Break about now. Fuck yeah, let’s do this shit. I’ll worry about this shitty remake another day. Via Con Dias, Dudebros!

Riding the big wave is more important than anything. Never forget that.

Evil Dead Quickie

“Yo Dawg, you want some candy?” Killer Evil Chick

I’ve really been banging my head all week trying to review this film. But it’s hard because it’s just SO fucking similar to the basic plot points of Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2.

The shtick is the same. Kids go to a Cabin. Some evil spirit starts possessing them. They fight. There’s a chainsaw. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

At first I was gonna focus the review on gore in cinema, and if it has a place there. But I don’t really fucking care about gore and, more than that, I’m too fucking cool to lecture about how violence warps our American Ideals. I will say, arms get ripped off, faces get chewed, and tongues are knifed.

It’s pretty fucking entertaining.

But is the film itself?

Well, sure, I guess. If you liked any of the Evil Dead films, you’ll probably like this one. It’s near identical. The camera work is even similar. It just has better effects now. So, if you’re a snob like that, if you can’t appreciate financially induced ingenuity, then go with the remake.

But if you like your horror a little rough around the edges and made with actual love, go with the originals. Either way, you’re gonna be entertained. Unless you’re a pussy. Don’t be a pussy. Horror films rule.

Grade: B

G.I. Joe Retaliates Against A Lame Villain

He looks cool. But he acts like a pussy.

True Story From My Childhood: G.I. Joe got banned in my household. Because my big brother couldn’t handle all the awesomeness of blowing shit up and kicking bad-dudes in the nuts. It all started after we watched the G.I. Joe Movie. The cartoon one, with that half-snake dude who murdered all of the DudeJoeBros. It was a rad movie. My DudeBroBro and I were jacked up, but it was bedtime. So we started brushing our teeth and getting into our pajamas. And I was all like, “Dude, bro, that was a radical cartoon.” That’s when my brother decided to punch me right in the face.

The next thing I remember was my DudeBroBro sitting on my chest, punching the shit out of me, and screaming, “You will pay for what you’ve done, Cobra Commander!!!!” Now, first off, apparently it needs to be said, I’m not Cobra Commander. I’m pretty fucking cool but I was still just a little twerp of an eight-year-old. Second, Cobra Commander wasn’t even the villain of the G.I. Joe movie. But, still, it was enough to get the cartoon banned in our house. No more Joes for us.

This memory kept flashing through my head while watching G.I. Joe Retaliation. For whatever reason, the Cobra Commander was compelling enough to get my DudeBroBro to go ape shit on my ass. He was over the top, and mildly comical, but he inspired a reaction. The Cobra Commander in Retaliation won’t force anyone to get beaten up. And, seriously, never ever underestimate the importance of a great villain.

G.I. Joe is about some bad ass tactical military group that blow people up. Except they get betrayed pretty early on and get blown up. So The Rock is gets all pissed off and decides people should explode some more. Thus begins an hour and a half of bullets and bombs. But it’s pretty boring. Mostly because there isn’t really an antagonist worth rooting for.

I’m estimating the Cobra Commander is in the film for, maybe, ten minutes. It’s supposed to create dread, make him seem super evil and awesome. But it backfires radically. Instead he comes off as a lazy pussy who sends his minions to do his work for him. His followers break him out of jail, create a weapon of mass destruction, and engage in all his fights. So halfway through the film, if you’ve got a brain, you should be wondering, “Why the fuck don’t his followers just kill him and wage their own war? They seem more effective than he does.”

I get that Cobra Commander can’t die. That they want to use him sequels. But, as it stands, I don’t give a shit about sequels. Impress me now. Make your villain scary and imposing. Don’t give me a pussy who runs away every time something explodes. That’s not entertaining. And it certainly won’t cause my DudeBroBro to beat the shit out of me anytime soon.

Grade: D-

The Croods and The Importance of Challenging Children

True Story: I will look for any reason to post a picture of Cage. C-C-C-C-C-CCCAAAAAAGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!!

You wanna know a film I remember from my childhood? All Dogs Go To Heaven. You wanna know why I remember said film from said childhood? It scared the living shit out of me. That’s right, I got so scared my shit came to life and started crawling out my butt all like, “Arrggg, I’m a frightening shit monster!!!!!”

But seriously, folks. All Dogs ruled. There was death, the main character did evil things for questionable reasons, there was even a little Satan Bulldog dude who freaked children out on the reg. Now, here’s the bigger and more important question, do wanna know why that film was important to my development as a child? It challenged me. Something that doesn’t happen enough in kid films these days and is the reason for this review. Because The Croods wants to challenge your children. But, thanks to decades of parents treating their kids like fragile eggs, The Croods can’t actually challenge your kids. And that’s a bad thing.

The Croods is the latest Dreamworks cartoon. It’s about a family of cavemen who go on a road trip once they realize the world is ending. And, as has become standard with Dreamworks Animation, it lacks the importance and charm of anything Pixar has touched.

Right off the bat, the film shows us a family on the edge. Food is scarce. The other cavemen have died. The world is rapidly changing. The director throws in deep, important themes but quickly abandons them for cheap physical humor.

Now, I’m not railing against a comedy being a comedy, but this film wants to be something important. It wants to make you laugh, yes, but it throws down very dark themes that cheapen any undercurrent of humor the film has, and vise-a-versa.

Worse yet, when we make it to the end, after an hour and a half of misused ideas, the director throws in two endings. The first ending is possibly the greatest and darkest ending of any children’s film I’ve seen since Up. It’s important. It’s thought provoking. And it will definitely force parents to come home and have a conversation with their children.

But then, because this is Hollywood and Hollywood doesn’t abide anything thought provoking, the director adds on another ending that erases the melancholy climax with a standard, and nauseatingly forced, happy ending. They take what could have been a memorable cartoon and turned it into something I probably won’t remember past my next yank-fest.

But, what nags me is wondering if parents really want this for their kids. I’m not a parent. I don’t get kids. Yes I eat up cartoons like day old cheesecake, but children are foreign midgets to me. Yet, if I had a kid, I wouldn’t want them to watch forgettable bullshit. The entire purpose of watching film is to learn, to grow. And the only way kids are going to do that is to show them movies that won’t pander or coddle them.

Again, I could be way off base, but the idea that kids deserve a happy ending because they’re young is insulting. I’ve forgotten every boring ass generic cartoon I watched as a child. The ones that stuck with me, the one’s I still watch to this day, were ones that dared to push me as a youth, ones that had a dark edge and stuck to it. The Croods unquestionably has a dark edge, it just doesn’t have the stones to stick to it.

Film With The Dark First Climax: B+

Film With The Generic Second Climax: C