What One of the Pitch Meetings for the Walking Dead MUST Have Looked Like

Don’t worry. She doesn’t know how to shoot it.

Exec: Robert, love the show. It’s daring. It’s bleak. It’s hip. I think we’ve got a winner. I just wanted to talk to you about Andrea.

Robert Kirkman: Andrea? Do you like her? Fans do. She’s pretty cool. I like how she’s capable and strong and never ever complains. She’s a really good role model in a bleak world.

Exec: Yeah, about that, don’t you think it’s a little fake? Having a woman that shoots a gun?

Kirkman: Wait, what? But that’s the whole point. It’s the end of the world. Gender stereotypes don’t exist anymore. It’s kill or be killed and Andrea is possibly the strongest character I have, outside of Rick. Hell. She’s practically the second in command.

Exec: Exactly, exactly. That’s too out there. No one would believe that. Why don’t we just make a new character, a male one who could have all of her qualities.

Robert: A man?

Exec: We’ll name him Darryl or something. It doesn’t matter as long as he has a penis.

Robert: So do you want me to get rid of Andrea?

Exec: Oh, no, no. Not at all. She’s too important. And the fans love her. Let’s just make her whiny and depressive for, oh, two seasons.

Robert: Two seasons?

Exec: At least two. Then for the third. Let’s have her become a traitor and sleep with The Governor.

Robert: But Andrea would never do that. She’d shoot the Governor on sight. That’s why they never met in the comics. The story would be over too soon.

Exec: Exactly. We could say her devil-vagina-hole caused her crazy-woman-hormones to go insane. So she won’t kill the Governor. In fact, she’ll be annoying and conflicted until late in the season. Then we’ll have the Governor kidnap her. Because. You know. Women need saving.

Robert: I… I mean… I guess I could do that. At least I’ll still have Michonne.

Exec: Right, about Michonne…

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Stoker

They’re related. But they still might fuck.

I got this trick I use sometimes to fuck chicks. I put on a pair of nerd glasses, get an empty briefcase, plop on a dapper-as-fuck suit, and hang out in hotel bars. Sooner or lady a broad will come sniffing, think I’m more important than I actually am, and we’ll fuck in her hotel room.

The trick to pulling this off is intrigue. I never tell chicks more than they need to know. I give just enough to create interest and moisten their panties a bit. Then my giant cock does the rest. But if I show my hand too much, I won’t get laid. It’s a fine, fine line that Stoker has the unfortunate task of towing.

Stoker is the first American film by acclaimed director Chan-Wook Park. I understand that foreign film’s aren’t everyone’s cup of tea but you should still make an effort to watch his shit. It’s not perfect but it’s very interesting and pretty, at least. That’s pretty much what can be said of Stoker.

It’s about this little Girl-Stoker who turns 18 the day Dad-Stoker mysteriously dies. Her and Mom-Stoker are all sad and mopey until Uncle-Stoker comes to live with them. He’s fucking weird. But all the Stokers seem a little off so it’s ok. Girl-Stoker isn’t sure she likes Uncle-Stoker. But Uncle-Stoker REALLY likes Girl-Stoker. And shit just sort of gets creepier from there.

The whole film is gorgeous. But, like Uncle-Stoker, there’s something just a bit left of center. Something that inhibits it from jumping from good to great. After careful deliberation I blame a misplaced focus of narrative.

See the entire film orbits around Uncle-Stoker. Who is he? What does he want? Are his intentions pure? Which is fine, if there was enough of a mystery to support his character. But there isn’t. All the answers are fairly obvious and, worse than that, aren’t all that compelling. When all is said and done the mystery turns out to be fairly one note.

Yet the acting is great. The direction is impeccable. And the mood is wonderfully dark. All in all it’s a fine debut from a great South Korean director. I really do hope Mr. Park sticks around the states for a while because, after a couple more films, he’ll be bagging chicks in hotel lobbies in no time.

Grade: B

Oz Is Not For Cynics And That Is Ok

I don’t know what the hell this thing is but I ain’t fucking it.

There aren’t gonna be many jokes today. I was gonna do the normal shtick, talk about boobs, slam a twelve pack, trash an average film for being average, and then masturbate before bed. Everything was par for the course. Until I started talking to my friends about Oz the Great And Powerful. Turns out they hated it. That’s fine, everyone is entitled to their opinions.

But the more I listened to their argument the more I realized that adults watching this film don’t understand Oz is for kids. It’s not a place for cynicism or deep meaning. It’s a simple world with bright colors meant to entertain children. And, you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, more films should be so guileless. Here are a couple of bullet point arguments I ran into and why they’re basically bullshit. Oz isn’t for misanthropic adults but it’s unquestionably perfect for children.

It’s not raping your childhood:

Shut the fuck up unless you’re ninety. The Land of Oz has been reproduced and re-imagined at least thirty times before your father busted a nut into your mom. Oz, almost more than any other American property, is communal. It’s meant to be shared and recreated every couple of decades.

More than that. The easiest way to indoctrinate children into classic films is by using newer films. Obviously Oz the Great and Powerful is nowhere near The Wizard of Oz. You’re fucking stupid if you thought it would be. The musical is, arguably, one of the greatest films of all time. To compare them is like complaining that Twizzlers aren’t as fulfilling as a lobster dinner.

It’s All About Greed and Making Money:

Yeah… So is every other film ever made. So is everything in America. We live in a society built on capitalism. Artistic pride is a lie hipsters hide behind because they’re pissed about not making money off of their shitty Etsy page.

It’s all CGI:

Yes. It is. So is everything else in the cinema these days. At least it was good CGI, unlike Jack the Giant Killer.

Film, as a medium, is shifting toward spectacle because it puts butts in theater seats. If you want change go spend money on Amour instead of the Avengers. Otherwise stop fucking complaining. You created the Hollywood market we’re living in. Stop acting shocked when the Big Wigs plan accordingly.

It was stupid:

Have you seriously ever met a child? They’re stupid. They’re supposed to be foolish. The world is new and frighting. They’re trying to make sense of it and kid films are a way to teach them. That’s why kid’s movies generally deal with broad strokes, simple plot structure, and easy gags. They’re giving kids tools to build up to more complicated ideas.

If you want complex storytelling and adult themes go watch Mad Men and Breaking Bad like the rest of us for fuck sake.

Stop Being Cynical:

Seriously, I can’t argue this enough, Oz is rated PG. It wasn’t made for you, a cynical asshole. It was made for children who need to believe the world is a hopeful, magical place.

We’re just coming out of a very dark decade for children’s films. Zebras said, “Crack-a-lacking.” Chipmunks sang songs by the Black Eyed Peas. And, I can’t stress this enough, Johnny Depp started to break dance at the end of Alice And Wonderland. Every studio decided kids deserved pessimism despite the fact Pixar was cleaning up by teaching everyone sincerity was a viable commodity.

Thankfully, because studios are so slow to catch up, they’re finally starting to produce films with less pop songs and more morals. There’s been a slow regression back to sincerity. How To Train Your Dragon is the start of Dreamwork’s less ironic phase. Disney has even found footing after almost a decade of shitty cartoons. But, as sweet as Wreck-It Ralph tried to be, it was still filled with hipster lingo and fart jokes.

Oz, conversely, is pure sincerity. It’s gleaming and unassuming. Nothing too bad or scary happens to anyone. Everyone uses adult words from decades ago instead of new-age-slang. And the characters, even the evil witches, are good-hearted in a Saturday Morning Cartoon type way. For instance, even though The Mrs. Daniel Craig Witch is wicked, she still balks at the idea of killing people. She wants to rule the Emerald City. She just doesn’t want to hurt anyone to do it.

Oz the man, played by Green Goblin Stoner Dude, is slippery and does dubious things but never loses sight of his own humanity. In fact, the entire film is basically structured around him coming to terms with the fact that, as much as he thinks he’s evil, he’s a good man.

Rewarding Ingenuity:

You know who doesn’t throw a punch the entire film? Green Goblin Stoner Dude. He’s the hero but he saves the day by using science and his brains. Seriously. How many films encourage kids like that?

Let’s Hear It For The Girls:

Here’s just another quick side-note- There aren’t a lot of good role models out there for little girls. Boys get heroes like Captain America and Batman. Girls get pop stars like Hannah Montana and iCarly. Oz has powerful women doing powerful things.

Dawson’s Creek Witch is sweet and lovely but has more power than anyone in Oz. It’s refreshing that the final battle isn’t between Oz and a Wicked Witch but between the Witches themselves. They don’t need Green Goblin Stoner Dude to save them. In fact, they use him as a pawn to accomplish their own goals. He’s just along for their ride and it’s delightful to see.

Let’s not forget the Little China Doll, who is equal parts adorable, sassy, and smart. She’s made of porcelain so she carries around a knife for protection. Game recognizes game and that little chick has it.

Alright, so there’s a lot of ideas thrown in there. But the central thesis remains. Oz isn’t for adults. But it’s a damn fun place for kids to visit.

Cynical Adult Grade: F+

Little Kid Grade: A-

Actual Grade: B-

21 And Over

Awww… The Little Asian Dude can’t handle his booze. That’s totes adorbs, as the kids these days would say.

One of the worst things that could’ve happened to the gross out genre was Judd Apatow. I fucking love the dude but his brand of soulful dick jokes are almost impossible to emulate, and now every comedy fails to rip him off correctly. Sometimes a film doesn’t need to have any deep meaning or emotional fallout. Sometimes, especially when you’re making a comedy, narrative takes a backseat to jokes. And that’s ok. That’s fine. One of the worst sins a film can commit is failing to understand its purpose. 21 And Over does not know what it wants to be. At. All.

It’s about these kids who like to drink. Sweet, I love movie’s about inebriation. Rock on, rock on, son. But shit goes wrong when one of them goes missing. Thus begins a night of debauchery that involves guns, lesbianism, and buffaloes.

It’s mildly adorable to see these idiots act like full grown drinking men. They have a good rapport. And the energy is fast and fun. I really should have loved this film but it stumbled around the finish line.

First, not all of the jokes hit home. But at least they’re making them. They’re trying to make me laugh for fuck sake. And sometimes the situations are a little too manufactured but, again, you can see them try. A movie always gets points for trying with me. Then it tries to add some heart. Shit just falls apart.

These kids aren’t compelling enough to care about their issues. I don’t give a fuck if one dropped out of college, or another doesn’t want to be a doctor. Fuck you, dude. Make me laugh. You’re my damn jester and the second you get serious I get bored. Unless you write characters that I can actually root for. Otherwise I’ll just want to smash something.

21 And Over isn’t a complete shit storm. It’s funny and brisk but doesn’t understand how shallow it is. There’s nothing wrong with shallow. I’m shallow. I fuck shallow. Just make me laugh and we’ll be golden.

Grade: B-

Jack The Giant Killer Didn’t Try So Dudebro Phones The Review In Madlibs Style

Doctor Jones climbs a beanstalk… Wait… No… That’s the Kid from About A Boy. What fucking movie am I watching? Ohhhh… Right, I’m watching every generic film ever made.

Yo, (Insert slang signifying friend). What up, (Insert curse word of choice)? Last night I (Insert description about a sexual act involving a hot chick). Then we (continue description of sexual act but add more description involving body fluid of choice). (Now we come to the portion of the review where I tie my sexual exploit with a Banging Betty into the main problem with the film I’m currently reviewing. Today’s film? Jack The Giant Slayer.)

(Insert the section of the review where I describe the main of the film without spoiling anything important. This film is about a hero who falls in love with a woman. They go on an adventure together because a bad guy wants to rule the world. So the dude and chick fight the bad guy to save the world. Explosions happen. PG-13 Violence ensues. Shitty CGI accompanies a bland soundtrack. You know, typical shit you’ve before.)

And really, that’s what it all comes down to. You’ve seen this movie before. You’ve sat in a theater, eating stale popcorn, smelling other people’s sweaty farts, and watched this movie. Even if you haven’t seen Jack the Giant Slayer. The beats are all there. The adjectives are all interchangeable. Hell, even some of the actors are cast in the exact same roles as they played in the other movies you’ve seen. Young Obi-Wan, I’m looking at you.

It’s not even bad. It’s uninspired. Which, if you warship at the alter of cinema, is the greatest crime a director can commit. Alright, (Insert crass word used to insult your friends). I’m off to (Insert an activity cool dudes do, like fucking or drinking. Not video games though. Because video games are for fucking nerds). But at least I won’t have to sit through Jack The Giant Slayer again. Oh… Wait… Of course I will because it’s exactly like every generic movie ever made!!!!

Grade: (Insert failing grade here.)