Dying A Good Day To Die The Hardest Death That Ever Died Hard 5 The Electric Boogaloo

Yeah, I know this picture isn’t from the new Die Hard. I just figured this one would remind us all of a time when Die Hard ruled all.

What up dawgs? EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! I banged a boring chick last night. LOTS OF BULLETS!!!!!!! And it’s the damnedest thing, it’s like the entire event has been sucked out of my brain. FIRE!!!!!! I’m adding sound effects to make this dull story a little more exhilarating. TENSE SOUNDTRACK AND MORE BOMBS!!!!!!!! I learned this little narrative technique from A Good Day To Die Hard. MODERATE AMOUNT OF BLOOD!!!!!!

Wait, what? Seriously? Explosions and violence don’t make up for a shitty script? Well then what’s the point in watching a fucking Die Hard sequel? No, I’m asking. For real, cause I no longer know why I watch Die Hard sequels.

It’s still about John McClaine, which is nice. That dude’s a baller. This time he goes on a vacation to Russia to help his son, who happens to be a spy. And, in case you didn’t remember, John McClaine will remind you over again, that he’s just there on vacation. In fact, he’ll try to save the entire non-existent plot with his quips. They aren’t enough. The entire thing is a lost cause, John McClaine be damned.

I really wish I could describe the plot too, because it sucks. But there… fuck… there just isn’t one. The entire film is barely 90 minutes, which a saving grace because of how pointless it is, but it’s still not long enough to make an impact. There seems to be some sort of fight between John McClaine and his son but whenever they talk something explodes. So it usually doesn’t amount to anything.

Movie like this are actually critic proof too. So it’s hard to talk about because it’s too dull to even rant about. Kinda like the boring chick you took home after too many whiskey shots. You’re gonna have an orgasm. But you won’t remember a damn thing about her the next day. EXPLOSIONS!!!!! God damn it, not again. BLOODENINGED!!!!!!!!!

Grade: D  


Warm Bodies


Yo, Wall-e Zombie, you’re missing her tit by a mile. Go lower!!!!

Everywhere I turn, nerds are rising. It’s a fucking nightmare, dude. They’re, like, taking over like a fucking plague. Here I am, devoting my life to awesomeness, and suddenly it’s cool to be lame. Fuck. That. Noise. Do you know who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman? NO ONE CARES!!!!! Are you mad that Game Of Thrones on television deviates from the books? GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!! These stupid bull shit things don’t matter.

Nerds, bro, they’re the worst. However, I’m a sunny side kind of guy. I can see the benefits of any situation. And the singular benefit of being rad in a land of dorks is the effect it’s had on modern media. Cause, frankly, weird mash-ups like Warm Bodies wouldn’t be getting made without nerds.

Flat out, Warm Bodies is fifty movies pressed into one. You’ve got Wall-e the Zombie as the lead, a lonely outcast that likes to steal objects. He falls in love with this chick from a group of people who want him dead, so you’ve got Romeo and Juliette covered. Obviously the zombie film is in full force. But there’s also a shit-ton of 80’s teen films on display too. The resulting film is more quirky than any mainstream film has any right to be.

For instance, the title cards are done with bright glitter that shifts into blood. Because, you know, why not? They’re making a romantic zombie movie, damn it, throw in some glitter. Or even just the idea of Wall-e Zombie himself. He collects things and chills in his man cave listening to records because, “It sounds better.” Wall-e Zombie is the first filmed hipster zombie. And, more miraculous, I didn’t want to punch him in his snobby face.

This film couldn’t have been made if dorks hadn’t spent years complaining about Batman’s nipple suit, championing faithful adaptations like Lord Of The Rings, or even just promoting cool shit like Firefly. The result, after decades of being keyboard gangsters, are crazy shit like this film.

Now this film didn’t just magically fall together. It takes a pretty sure hand and good taste to smoosh all these genres together. Johnathan Levine is that hand. He directed The Wackness, a film that, like Warm Bodies, is better than it has any right to be. Then he moved on and directed 50/50, arguably the best film made last year. Each of these three films are highly entertaining and defy genre conventions at multiple turns. He’s fast becoming a dude I’m going to follow closely in the future.

So, if this is what becomes of nerd culture, if zombies get to fall in love and reenact Romeo and Juliette, so be it. I can handle it. Hell, I might even come to embrace it and read a comic or two. Ha, just kidding, I’m too fucking cool to read lame-ass comics. But I will go see nerd friendly films. Just don’t ask me to play Magic The Gathering. Cause I’ll punch you in your stupid face.

Grade: B

Broken City

That’s right, Jack Fucking Reacher is driving a… wait… Oh… Wait. My bad. Uh, Marky Fucking Mark is driving a car.

So there I was, watching Broken City, munching on some turkey jerky I slipped into the theater, and getting ready to start my mid-movie jerk off when it hit me: I’ve seen this movie before. And, more than that, haven’t I seen this movie before recently? Listen, I’ve got a shitty memory but something about Broken City seemed familiar.

I started going through the checklist. It starred a tarnished hero with a mysterious past. The bad dude is a man of power played by well respected cinematic royalty. There’s a blond chick that doesn’t add anything to the plot. And people get murdered because of some real estate conspiracy. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! THIS IS JACK REACHER!!!! I swear to you, I threw my turkey jerky at the screen and lost all interest in jacking it. Ha, just kidding, I never lose interest in turkey jerky or jacking it.

It’s a weird thing that happens, when a different director gets the same plot points and puts his own spin on it. It happened with Antz and Bugs Life, Dantes Peak and Volcano, 500 Days of Summer and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Debbie Does Dallas and Tiffany Taps Toronto. In fact, for a film dork like me, it’s kind of fun to watch. It’s almost like a film school project. The plot is the same but the genre is different. Broken City is Jack Reacher as a thriller. And Jack Reacher is Broken City as straight action.

That’s the power of genre, bro. It can completely transform the exact same film, even shitty boring films like these. Cause neither is a good film. They’re serviceable, sure. But almost instantly forgettable. Still, if we’re forced to dissect generic films, I’d take Broken City. Cause, sure, it’s a snooze-fest, everything about it is easy to telegraph from a mile away. But it tries harder than Reacher, which always wins points with me.

It’s not like either film had to be made. But, just a heads up, if you’re forced between the two, gun to your fucking head, Broken City should be the boring generic film you pick. Otherwise, you know, pick something radical like Back To The Future or something. Really, yeah, ok, yeah, that should be your rule of thumb from here on out: when in doubt watch Back To The Future.

Grade: C-