We’re friends, right? I can like, tell you things and you won’t laugh or judge me or anything? Cool? Cool. Sometimes, when I’m in the middle of balling a chick… I… you know… reach the finish line a little too early. And the chick’s all, “What’s wrong with you?” And I’m all, “Shut up, it’s perfectly normal! STOP JUDGING ME!!!” Then I go to sleep, cause orgasms make me sleepy. This entire experience also sums up watching Gangster Squad.
Gangster Squad stars Brand, from the Goonies. He’s all tired with hanging out with a bunch of stupid Goonies so me makes a time machine and goes back in time to create his own gang, a Gangster Squad. He also decides he wants to kill gangsters on his time traveling trip. He recruits some dudebros and they decide to take down Angry Spicoli. Violence ensues.
The problem with this film is that it rushes. Too much. Too soon. And, before you know it, SPLOOG, premature narrative gets all over your face, yo. The director wants this ragtag band of cop to be like a family, that they care for each other, that they’ve gone through some shit. That’s fine. Group films don’t work without the group actively liking each other. This is why the Avengers worked as a movie.
But you know how the Avengers got there? TAKING THEIR FUCKING TIME TELLING A STORY! The Avengers hate each other for the first two hours of the film. So, by the end, when they actually get their shit together and decide to kick Loki’s ass, it feels radical. The audience is fully behind them because they came together organically.
Gangster Squad takes a lazier, faster route: the needless time jump. The group meets then, out of nowhere, a quick jump cut later, they’re all best friends. It’s jarring and weird considering these dudes didn’t really know each other five seconds ago.
And it’s a short film too, considering the subject matter. It wouldn’t have hurt to throw in one or two scenes of these dudes bro-ing down so that, when we see them working together, it feels natural. Instead it just feels like the director got rushes and accidentally came too soon. And, as someone who is man enough to admit I’ve prematurely ejaculated a couple of times, believe me, shit gets awkward.