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Zero Dark Thirty

Seriously, you don’t want to fuck with her. She killed Osama, bro.

I love broads. Obviously, anything I can stick my big ol’ dick in is aces in my book. This includes but is not limited to: broads, most baked goods, pillows, and rabbit holes. But, I mean, there’s a limit. It’s not like I’ll fuck anything… ok… I will fuck anything. But somethings I fuck make me sadder that other things. Like, I hate banging weak chicks. In fact, nothing gets the ol’ big chub softer than a broad who is all soft spoken and anemic. Unfortunately for my throbbing boner, Hollywood hates strong females. Conversely, luckily for my giant cock (Seriously, I’m running out of adjectives for my junk.), Zero Dark Thirty has one of the strongest females to grace the silver screen in a long time.

Seriously, Hollywood hates broads. Or, maybe even worse, Hollywood doesn’t get them. They’re either all flighty objects of affection, like any character Meg Ryan has played. Or they’re hilariously cold and sexy, like every character Angelina Jolie has ever played. Finally, they’re just props used to decorate bland action movies, see Alice Eve’s current career projection. Chicks are reduced to one-note characterizations in all three of these scenarios. This is why the Bechdel Test exists. This is why critics lose their shit whenever a real female pops up on screen. Frankly, when a rad female shows up in a movie, it’s a reason to pop a boner… with my giant ass boner… I call him Sir Phillip of Cockington.

I suppose it took the greatest living female director, Katheryn Bigelow, to accurately bring a female to life.

That’s Jessica Chastain’s character in Zero Dark Thirty. (I know, I hate using the real names of actors too. But the chick hasn’t really tied herself to an iconic character that I can mock. So, out of pure laziness, she doesn’t get a nickname.) She’s rad in it. She’s like, “BAM, I’m gonna kill Osama Bin Laudin, fuckers!!!!!” Then other times she’s like, “I’m gonna kill that mother fucker, post haste, yo.” Basically, she’s a bad ass mother fucker. And she goes to the ends of the earth to get her man.

The entire movie is basically about obsession. How far a human is willing to go to achieve their goals. It’s kind of strange to see this flick get labeled as the, “Osama movie.” Because it’s about so much more. It’s a tightly wound character study starring one of the few live females to put on celluloid.

So, if you like broads, or if you just like seeing cool shit happen on a movie screen, Zero Dark Thirty is the film for you. It’s hands down one of the better films made this year. And one of the few truly great films to come out of the second Iraq War.

Grade: A


About dudebroreviews

I like banging chicks, drinking brews, and ordering porn on demand. Like the biggest boss you've ever seen.

One response to “Zero Dark Thirty

  1. Kristy

    I’ve been on the fence with this film, but you sold me bro.

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