The French, man. Who knew they could make a Wolverine musical be so sissy and bad ass all at once. I say sissy because, duh, it’s a musical. I say bad ass because Wolverine gets to be all, “RAAWWRRR, RAAWWWRRRR I’M GONNA KILL PEOPLE!!!!!!” I went to see this being all sad about seeing a stupid musical. But I walked out happy to see that Wolverine is still a violent mother fucker capable of tearing a dude’s asshole inside out.
It takes place in France. And, like, a King is there but, like, the people hate the dude or something. I dunno, something about history. So criminals are all over. And The Gladiator is there- I don’t remember him being in the X-Men comics but, I’m not a nerd so he must’ve been a bad dude like Magneto- to punish the criminals and for some reason he really hates Wolverine. So The Gladiator challenges Wolverine to a duel and Wolverine is all, “Snikt” But then he runs away because Wolverine is a pussy in France.
That’s when he runs into Catwoman whose working as a prostitute. (Epic win, Catwoman. You’re alright by my nuts. Keep banging them dudes.) She’s all like, “Batman banged me and ran away to fight the Joker. Now I’m dying from a prostitute disease. Take care of my child.” But, remember, this is a sissy musical. So she sings this part instead.
Now Wolverine isn’t a bad dude. He doesn’t kill anyone in this movie but he’s still willing to take care of a child. So him and child keep on running from The Gladiator and they sing songs all the while.
Now, I’m not exactly sure why a Wolverine musical had to be made. But I’m happy it was. Not only is Wolverine born with a golden voice. But he knows how to fuck shit up.
It’s basically the greatest way to get dudes into musicals. I know I fucking hate boring ass song and dance numbers. But, hey, when Wolverine is threatening to murder every son of a bitch on screen, I’m happy. Seriously, take your boyfriends, be all like, “I won’t fuck you for a month if you don’t go see this French flick where Wolverine sings.” So your dude will be all like, “Ok, I want to have sex. I guess it won’t be so bad if Wolverine sings.”
That’s the great thing about great movies. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a dick or a vagina. A good movie is a good movie. And Wolverine: The French Musical is a good movie. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll see Borat covered in shit. Seriously, it’s got it all. So go ahead and watch it. There’s no Professor X or Cyclops cameos but, whatever. Wolverine is the coolest X-Man anyway.