Hey dudebros, I’m sad. I tried looking at porn for a while. Naked chicks usually cheer me up. Not today. Then I tried masturbating. Nope. Nothing. So I slammed an entire bag of pizza rolls. Still nothing. Then I got thirsty so I chugged a couple of beers. That made me drunk so of course I wanted to masturbate again. That just made me sad… again. Now I’m drunk, full on pizza rolls, and I’m going to die alone. I know this because Amour told me so. Earlier this week, I was my usual bad-ass-don’t-give-a-fuck-fuck-a-ton-of-bitches self. Now I’m all bummed out and depressed because I watched Amour. Fuck Amour.
Amour is a movie about this old couple. They’ve been married for years. And, as old people are known to do, the wife gets sick and the husband has to care for her. But the husband is old too so he pretty much just makes a mess of things while the wife shits herself for two hours. Then the movie is over and you’re left wondering what the point of life is.
The movie does its job perfectly. After all, the main goal of any film is to pull you in and make you care for the characters on screen. I liked these dudes. Sure, the old man was kind of an asshole and the wife is a ball of dying sadness, but they were easy to root for. Plus, the film gets point for showing a real side to life, the dirty parts of dying, that most films gloss over.
That’s mostly accomplished through the efforts of the director. Homeboy barely lets us, the audience, leave these people’s home, so it becomes just as claustrophobic and depressing to us as it is for them. And, really, that’s all it needs. There are no flashy angles or cocky camera work, or even progressive narrative tricks. It’s mostly just two old people in a room waiting to die. Seriously, I need more beer. Just a sec.
Alright, back to being drunk, now where were we? Oh! Right, Amour works because it isn’t flashy but be warned, it’s also the film’s biggest detriment. Because, frankly, it’s easy to feel like nothing is happening. After all, you’re basically just watching someone die slowly. So, yeah that’s sad, but it’s also easy to let your mind wander to those strange dark places. That’s probably why even porn isn’t lifting this funk.
So, here I sit, drunk, gassy, and unable to watch Debbie Does Dallas. It’s a sad, cruel world, people. And the only thing that makes it a little happier happens to be youtube videos of cats. Hey, wait a minute, youtube videos of cats!!!! Of course!!! Nothing cures depression like cats running around like idiots. Boom. Problem solved. I’ll be back banging bitches in no time.