True Story: I received this e-mail sometime during June of 2008, a couple of weeks after watching The Brothers Bloom. I thought it was full of shit but so far everything in it has come true, especially that part about Shanna’s herpes. Dodge a bullet there, bro.
What’s up you beautiful bastard? It’s you, from the future. No worries, you’re still as hot as a thousand suns and have abs like a depression era washer board. This isn’t about us. (Although you should totally watch out for Shanna, she defiantly has the herp.)
Wait, what? You don’t believe me? I need to fucking prove myself to the hottest, best fuck in the tri-state area? Fine, I’ll prove myself, but only because you’re fucking gorgeous. In the future Taco Bell tacos will use Doritos for taco shells and KFC sandwiches will use chicken instead of bread. Both are fucking rad but be careful, I don’t want you ruining that tight ass of yours. Oh, also, they REALLY like skinny jeans here. You’re gonna look like a chick but you gotta stay ahead of that fashion curve, bro.
I’m writing this because I know you’re about to give up on Rian Johnson. I know. The Brothers Bloom kinda sucks. Just as I know you got a raging man-boner for Johnson after Brick and you’re wondering if Bloom erases Brick. It doesn’t. But, even better, Johnson is going to direct this super rad film named Looper. You’re gonna fucking love it.
It’ll be hard to believe when I describe it but the plot involves 3rd Rock Tommy wearing makeup to look like John McClain. BECAUSE THEY’RE THE SAME DUDE!!!!! I know!!! Trippy, right? John McClain is all, “Fuck the future, it sucks. I’m gonna go back in time so I can ball more broads.” But 3rd Rock Tommy has to kill his older self to live. I KNOW!!!! You totally have a chubby reading this. I TOTALLY HAVE A CHUBBY WRITING THIS!!!
Because none of this would be nearly as radical without Johnson’s direction. He’s kind of a dark dude, that’s why the Brothers Bloom didn’t work. It was too cutesy for his nior-like sensibilities. Looper thrives on that dark shit while being WAY more audience friendly than Brick. This is, essentially, Johnson’s swing at the big leagues and, brother, he knocks it out of the park. He does this by employing one of the oldest tricks in a director’s playbook: giving the audience what they need instead of what they want.
You’re gonna hear a lot of your DudeFriendBros complaining about how it isn’t, “action oriented” and “has too many plot holes.” And, technically, they’re right. There isn’t THAT much action, but there’s enough to be entertained, tons of blood. Plus, yes, if you do think too hard about the time travel shit things start to unravel. But Looper isn’t about that. It’s a fucking glorious character study set to explosions.
I mean, it’s happening to you right now. Older DudeBro talking to Younger DudeBro, what would you say to me, yourself? What would I say to younger you/me? (Seriously, bro, Shanna has herpes.)
It’s a rich damn idea that gets plenty of exploration, along with another radical theme about killing Hitler. Seriously, Johnson is a great director. Don’t give up on the dude just because he made a single boring film.
And stay classy you beautiful mother fucker,
Grade: Future A!