The Expendables 2

This scene looks rad but it’s completely boring. Trust me.

I’ve been putting off reviewing this film. Partly because it’s too boring to actively have a legitimate opinion about. Partly because, well, how do you say anything constructive about a movie so pointlessly bland? And I mean that. The Expendables 2 sucks not just because it blows, (Apparently that’s physically possible.) it sucks because it’s a shoddy, lazy, boring piece of shit that has somehow spawned more shoddy, lazy, boring pieces of shit.

“Oh, but, Dudebro, it’s just a silly action film. Loosen up, enjoy all the explosions and nostalgia.”

Fuck that noise. Because, no, it’s not even fun. It’s not even entertaining. It’s hardly even nostalgic. It’s just a bunch of old, washed up men standing around being useless and sad.

For real, can you even remember the conflict? Or any real themes? Or, on a purely superficial level, any legitimate dramatic tension during the battles?

FUCK NO!!!!!!!!

Explosions do no equal entertainment, or thrills.

Hell, I don’t even think Rambo’s shoulders moved more than thirty degrees the whole movie. There was a scene that required him to run. He hired a stunt double for that scene. And the Terminator just stands there and throws around bad puns like he’s been recast in Batman and Robin. The only dude that seems to be having any kind of fun is the Universal Soldier but his face is too botoxed to be certain. He might have just been having a stroke.

The final battle between Rambo and The Universal Soldier is, actually, pretty fun. There’s a clear sense of what is happening. The actors’ stunt doubles seem to be able to kick pretty fucking high and they beat each other with chains. Boom! That’s the fucking film I want to see.

Instead I get this jumbled mess where characters show up for ten seconds for no reason other than they used to be popular. And action scenes are poorly shot and blurry so all tension is sapped from the film. Oh and for some reason He-Man gets to be racist every ten seconds. NOT COOL BRO!!!!

Yet this stupid fucking film series has made it possible for outdated and pointless action stars to thrive again. The Terminator and Rambo have new films coming out soon that look just as pointless and stupid as this.

Look, I’m not shitting on old school action films. I love old school action films. But they have their place, in the past. Action films these days owe a huge debt to what these men did for the genre. But these men have their place and time. It’s sad they never evolved but, in a Christopher Nolan world, action films need a little more than muscles and explosions.

Grade: FUCK YOU RAMBO!!!!

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Celeste and Jesse Forever Quickie

“We look happy. But we’re dying on the inside.” – Celeste and Jesse

So relationships are hard. People breakup all the time. You’re definitely gonna die someday and it’s probably gonna be alone. I mean, really, why the fuck try? Just smoke a fatty, fuck a couple of hotties, and let the chips fall as they may.

Imagine nearly two hours of that soul crushing message packaged as a comedy.

You might not think that’s a compliment, but it is. It’s hilarious. It’s painful to watch. But above all it’s honest. I can’t hate on a movie that rolls that way.

Plus I totally want to toss that Celeste’s salad.

Grade: A-

Hope Springs Quickie

It’s not you, Sophie. It’s your movie, I swear.

An old dude has trouble banging his wife so they go to couple’s therapy for hours. That’s where they talk about their feelings for hours. It’s all very realistic but that doesn’t make it compelling or radical.

That Broad from Sophie’s Choice deserves better.

Grade: Your mother would like it. Seriously, take her.

Premium Rush

Wrecking your bike in New York: still not as embarrassing as seeing Neil Diamond live in Vegas.

Whew, it’s been a rough week, Dudebros. I’m in Vegas. And, you know what that means: brews, food, and sex. Honestly, at this point I can only remember bits and pieces but I know I’m gonna have some explaining to do when I get home to LadyDudeBro.

She’s probably not going to be too happy to hear about the chicks I banged, or their friends, or even that one midget broad that gave me a massage.

But, of course I have to tell, DudeBro is nothing if not honest. It’s just a matter of how to break things to her. Should I start with the Neil Diamond concert? Or should I just dive right in and confess the shit that happened in my hotel room hot tub? At the moment I feel more regretful about Neil Diamond but, make no mistake, the order of my story matters. Take Premium Rush, that movie would be nothing without its pacing.

The film stars the Kid From 3rd Rock. He likes to ride bikes, run over tourists, and deliver packages. One day the Crazy F.B.I. Agent from Boardwalk Empire is all like, “Listen, you little Sperm-Stained-Bitch, you have a package I want. Give it to me.” But 3rd Rock Tommy is all, “No, Doucher McDoucher VonDouchy, I’m delivering this package.” And, thus, a giant one and half hour chase scene ensues.

That’s it. It’s a straightforward plot with likeable characters that maintain clearcut motivations. That’s a plus but, with such a basic idea, it could get easy to fall asleep. Well, rest your wary worries, friends, this film sets things up in a kinetic oddball way. It keeps things fresh.

For instance, we see the cop want the package and watch him chase 3rd Rock Tommy through New York before a flashback pulls us back to reveal why the cop wants the package. Then the film fast-fordwards again, rewinds, fast-forward, super rewind, and so on and so forth. The jumpy narrative shouldn’t work as well as it does but it’s a welcome technique that maintains viewer involvement.

We gotta keep our eye on the clock, just like 3rd Rock Tommy.

And that’s why order matters: reveal too much too soon and all tension is gone. Or, conversely, you keep too much from the audience and they might stop caring about the characters. Luckily Premium Rush walks a fine line between keeping secrets and revelling in them. The result is a snappy, fun action film I wouldn’t mind seeing again.

Good job 3rd Rock Tommy.

Now, onto LadyDudeBro, I’ve got a lot of explaining to do. I just hope she can forgive me the embarrassment of seeing Neil Diamond live.

Grade: B+