“Quick,” I say,”Name the coolest thing about the original Total Recall.”
“Easy,” You say, “There’s that scene where The Governator has to pull a bomb out of his nose. Wait, no, the scene where he’s wearing a head that makes him look like a chick that’s actually a bomb. And then the head blows shit up. WAIT, no, it’s totally when that guy has the mutant dude on his chest. NO! It’s when The Governator shoots his wife in the head. NO, no! I got it, it’s when they shoot the mutant guy through the head. Oh, but Dudebro, I forgot when The Governator gets stuck outside on Mars and his eyes start popping out.”
Ok, now take everything awesome you just said about Total Recall and throw it out, add lens flairs, and you have EXACTLY what the new Total Recall is like.
Translation: boring as fuck!!!!
I don’t even remember the fucking plot. It was kinda similar to the original. It was something like, “Blah, blah, blah, boring stuff, blah, blah, not awesome shit, blah, blah, blah, there’s a chick with three tits.”
And, I mean, stuff happens after that. But it’s fucking boring and pointless. At one point Davie Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean shows up. But even he can’t save this flaming shit-fest from imploding in of itself.
Obviously, like most movies, PG-13 proves to be a detriment. The original was so gloriously violent. There was blood and sinew and more than a half a second of tits. They somehow managed to show three tits in this movie but my dick was already asleep by that point. Fuck PG-13. Show the boobs, blow some heads off, and fucking curse like sailors.
And here’s the lesson, children: always be yourself. The original Total Recall has stood the test of time because it’s so fucking bat shit insane. Sure, it’s also a well mad flick, but so is the new one. I can’t harp on the technical aspects of the new Total Recall much because it’s fairly solid. I can harp on how fucking vanilla it is.
Total Recall is meant to be crazy and weird. So let that freak flag fly and, please, show us more tits if you can help it.