Do you want to see Zoolander fight aliens? Yeah, didn’t think so. Do you want to see the Hyper Wedding Crasher actually let loose for the first time since Wedding Crashers? Fuck, yeah, I figured you did. And thus the ugly problem of The Watch rears its ugly head: it focuses on pointless bullshit when it should be letting the stars go wild.
So the movie’s about Zoolander living in the suburbs. His main problem in life is that he doesn’t have any black friends. His woman also wants to get knocked up but Blue Steel is shooting blanks. Anyway, one day Zoolander’s only Hispanic friend dies violently and Zoolander starts a neighborhood watch. That’s when all sorts of crazy shit happens with aliens and stuff. I don’t really remember it though because it’s all pretty homogenized crap.
And it’s sad too because scenes where the guys are just sitting around joking, drinking beers, being typical neutered suburban husbands, are hilarious. I could watch an entire fucking film with these guys just riffing off each other. The Hyper Wedding Crasher and the Fat Kid From Moneyball work wonders together. Any scene where they interacted actually lead to legitimate laughter.
But every time funny shit starts happening, an alien shows up to ruin it. And, yeah sure, there’s a fair amount of sweet ass violence to enjoy, even a good old fashioned gang bang, but the alien shit is so typical and obvious it becomes hard to actually enjoy all the actual bad ass shit happening in this film.
I mean, tone is everything and when everything’s off balance it’s hard to be entertained. This film is the equivalent of eating a hot dog dipped in cake batter then deep-fried: the taste is all off. Wait. Actually, I’m so drunk right now, that could probably work. So it’s actually like a delicious deep-fried cake batter hot dog covered in dog shit.
Whelp, it’s time to fire up the old deep-fryer and cook some hot dogs. Peace out, fuckers.