The Bourne Legacy

You’d think Hawkeye would know the barrel of a gun points TOWARD the bad dudes, not the ceiling.

I feel sorry for the Dumb Fuck who has to reboot Batman. Those are some big ass shoes to fill, you know? And you know it’s coming. It’s fucking Batman!!! Of course there are going to be more Batman films!! That’s just how things work: movie makes money, sequels get made, studio execs masturbate in front of each other while rubbing cash on their balls, and the cycle starts again.

Now, Jason Bourne isn’t exactly Batman. He isn’t even James Bond, not yet. But the dude is big and made a damn fine trilogy so, duh, sequels were always going to be made. Even unnecessary ones that have nothing to do with Jason Bourne. And thus, here was are, The Bourne Legacy.

So the basic idea is that the government made all sorts of super agents and one of them is Hawkeye. Now, in an effort to scrub the program before Bourne goes public, the government decides to kill all the Bourne-y Spys, including Hawkeye. This pisses Hawkeye off. He’s all, “I’ll shoot you all in the face.” Except he needs drugs, for some reason, so him and a scientist chick spend hours trying to get drugs.

There’s a lot wrong with that last paragraph. I mean… why does he need drugs? Why didn’t Jason? Did they other spies in the other films need drugs? Why is there, like, fifty secret government agencies that are all evil? Does The Narrator From Fight Club know his hair is going grey? Why doesn’t the Chick From the Mummy fuck Hawkeye, or even kiss him?

See, lots of plot holes but, conversely, the film does manage to maintain the feel of a Bourne movie. The editing is a little sloppier but the drawn out car chases and claustrophobic fight scenes are all there. Not to mention globe trotting, Jason always did a lot of globe trotting.

So, I’m conflicted. It walks like Jason Bourne. It talks like Jason Bourne. Why the fuck isn’t it Jason Bourne?

Big shoes, man. They tried. I don’t begrudge them that. But, uh, maybe next time we can think of something better for Hawkeye to do now that he’s got his drug fix.

Grade: C+

Beasts of The Southern Wild

“That’s right, no shoes, fireworks poppin. I don’t even give a shit cause I’m a badass.” – Little Bad Ass Chick

Short and sweet: Go. Fucking. See. It.

Seriously, good films, the ones you remember for years, are films that both create a world with vibrant characters and make you understand the rules of said world. This film pulls you in by the cock in the first ten minutes and you’re like, “Ok, I guess I’m hanging you peeps for a few hours.”

Plus, the little chick is the coolest, strongest, female lead since Ripley. Eat it Sigourns.

Grade: A

Ruby Sparks

“If you every leave me again, I’ll wear your skin like a blanket.” – Creepy Lead Dude

I’m really into Asian Foot Fetish porn. It’s very utilitarian as far as fetishes go and I jerk to it quite a bit on any given day. As you can imagine this causes problems whenever DudeMomBro wants to walk into my room. She’s always like, “Ahhh, not another foot!!!! Where is she putting that toe?!?!?! Why did I ever birth you Dudebro!!!!!”

She always mentions that her main worry is that won’t be able to pull my head out of my ass and join the real world if I’m always sitting here at my computer jerking it like a Caribbean chicken. I tell her not to worry. I need someone real to fuck daily too. That requires me going out to bars and hitting on any hot chick I see, at least until I can create someone from my mind. Then, well, yeah, I’ll just stay in doors and fuck DudeHotMindChickBro then.

As you can tell, Ruby Sparks really has me envious at the main dude’s ability to create a chick with his mind. That’s pretty much the entire plot. Writer Dude is all, “Man I wish I had a chick to fuck.” Then, BAM, Ruby appears and they fuck for two hours.

Except, where the film excels, where the real meat of the story is, is all in the execution. You see, it’s not all happy romantic comedy fun time. Oh no, this is a story about a man who basically owns and treats his girlfriend like a pet. They take the simple conceit to it’s darkness extremes and then keep going.

I respect that.

Cause, yes, it gets pretty disturbing. In fact, the last twenty minutes hew closer to Misery than any romantic comedy I’ve ever seen. I dunno, maybe it’s just me but I found it pretty fucking disturbing, in a good way.

Cause, you don’t always have to like the main characters. Romantic comedy hasn’t quite learned that lesson yet.  Most romantic leads are bland likable everymen that are impossible to distinguish. I think it’s safe to say, love him or hate him, you’ll remember this dude and all the creepy shit he does to poor old Ruby Sparks.

Grade: A-

The Campaign

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I don’t give a shit, man. Ron Burgundy makes me giggle.

Ron Burgundy, for all his faults, tickles my dick with laughter. I get it, at this point he’s not exactly breaking ground and he’s in real danger of heading toward Sandler Territory. But, fuck it man, I dig him. Comedy is a lot like human arousal in that respect because what gets me hard may not get you hard. So, what makes me laugh may not make you laugh.

I guess I just want to preface this review in case Ron Burgundy doesn’t arouse you. It’s ok. You don’t have to laugh at the dude but I sure hope you respect his intricacies. The Campaign is no different from his typical shtick. It’s completely irreverent and stupid on the surface but pretty damn subtle and layered.  

The film centers on Ron Burgundy running for a senate seat. He gets challenged by the Bearded Dude from the Hangover and shenanigans ensue. There are scenes with pugs, baby punching, and freezer fucking so you know it’s pretty rad to say the least.

The best part about the film, unlike Ron Burgundy’s other film, is that it’s snappy. It doesn’t waste time inundating us with pointless joke after pointless joke. Usually he’ll sit around for two hours just riffing off those around him. This time around he just keeps the comedy pointed and plot related. The result is a lean, mean comedy that clocks in under an hour and a half so you have enough time to take your chick home and fuck her after without fear of being too tired.

Ok, so that’s what’s rad, what’s wrong? Well, I can imagine a lot of conservatives will be pretty pissed about the moral of this film. But, go fuck yourself, this is a comedy, stop reading into things dummy.

No the real problem is its scattershot protagonist portrayal. The film doesn’t know if it wants to center on Ron Burgundy or the Dude from the Hangover. As a result there are fifteen minutes of prolonged focus on one character and by the time you’re like, “Ok, I’m rooting for this dude, I forgot the other dude” they switch up and focus on the other dude. Now, I’m not saying a show can’t have two dudes you root for, I am saying film’s with two leads should be more balanced.   

However, as long as you punch a baby, I’ll probably be entertained.

Grade: B

Total Recall

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Wait, so will that machine erase my memories? Cause I don’t want to remember this fucking movie.

“Quick,” I say,”Name the coolest thing about the original Total Recall.”

“Easy,” You say, “There’s that scene where The Governator has to pull a bomb out of his nose. Wait, no, the scene where he’s wearing a head that makes him look like a chick that’s actually a bomb. And then the head blows shit up. WAIT, no, it’s totally when that guy has the mutant dude on his chest. NO! It’s when The Governator shoots his wife in the head. NO, no! I got it, it’s when they shoot the mutant guy through the head. Oh, but Dudebro, I forgot when The Governator gets stuck outside on Mars and his eyes start popping out.”

Ok, now take everything awesome you just said about Total Recall and throw it out, add lens flairs, and you have EXACTLY what the new Total Recall is like.

Translation: boring as fuck!!!!

I don’t even remember the fucking plot. It was kinda similar to the original. It was something like, “Blah, blah, blah, boring stuff, blah, blah, not awesome shit, blah, blah, blah, there’s a chick with three tits.”

And, I mean, stuff happens after that. But it’s fucking boring and pointless. At one point Davie Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean shows up. But even he can’t save this flaming shit-fest from imploding in of itself.

Obviously, like most movies, PG-13 proves to be a detriment. The original was so gloriously violent. There was blood and sinew and more than a half a second of tits. They somehow managed to show three tits in this movie but my dick was already asleep by that point. Fuck PG-13. Show the boobs, blow some heads off, and fucking curse like sailors.

And here’s the lesson, children: always be yourself. The original Total Recall has stood the test of time because it’s so fucking bat shit  insane. Sure, it’s also a well mad flick, but so is the new one. I can’t harp on the technical aspects of the new Total Recall much because it’s fairly solid. I can harp on how fucking vanilla it is.

Total Recall is meant to be crazy and weird. So let that freak flag fly and, please, show us more tits if you can help it.

Grade: ZzZZzzZzz

The Watch

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Fuck the aliens, you guys should just sit around, drink beers, and joke.

Do you want to see Zoolander fight aliens? Yeah, didn’t think so. Do you want to see the Hyper Wedding Crasher actually let loose for the first time since Wedding Crashers? Fuck, yeah, I figured you did. And thus the ugly problem of The Watch rears its ugly head: it focuses  on pointless bullshit when it should be letting the stars go wild.

So the movie’s about Zoolander living in the suburbs. His main problem in life is that he doesn’t have any black friends. His woman also wants to get knocked up but Blue Steel is shooting blanks. Anyway, one day Zoolander’s only Hispanic friend dies violently and Zoolander starts a neighborhood watch. That’s when all sorts of crazy shit happens with aliens and stuff. I don’t really remember it though because it’s all pretty homogenized crap.

And it’s sad too because scenes where the guys are just sitting around joking, drinking beers, being typical neutered suburban husbands, are hilarious. I could watch an entire fucking film with these guys just riffing off each other. The Hyper Wedding Crasher and the Fat Kid From Moneyball work wonders together. Any scene where they interacted actually lead to legitimate laughter.

But every time funny shit starts happening, an alien shows up to ruin it. And, yeah sure, there’s a fair amount of sweet ass violence to enjoy, even a good old fashioned gang bang, but the alien shit is so typical and obvious it becomes hard to actually enjoy all the actual bad ass shit happening in this film.

I mean, tone is everything and when everything’s off balance it’s hard to be entertained. This film is the equivalent of eating a hot dog dipped in cake batter then deep-fried: the taste is all off. Wait. Actually, I’m so drunk right now, that could probably work. So it’s actually like a delicious deep-fried cake batter hot dog covered in dog shit.

Whelp, it’s time to fire up the old deep-fryer and cook some hot dogs. Peace out, fuckers.

Grade: C