When I was a Little Dudebro, before I was banging all of the chicks, before I knew how to shotgun beer, before I even knew what Willis was talking about, my mom made me grilled cheese sandwiches daily. Rain or shine, no matter what else we had in pantry, I wanted fucking melted cheeses on fucking buttered toast.
She tried to get me to eat other shit, but fuck it, I was a Grill Cheese Baller. After a while she just gave up and accepted that her place was in the kitchen, not making choices for dudes.
Fast forward two years, I was an Older Little Dudebro. I had gotten one or two hairs on the old ball sack. I started sneaking pops’ porn stash. And I became quite adept at masturbating to Nirvana so my mom wouldn’t hear me. In short: my tastes matured. I was no longer a grilled cheese child. I wanted other things. But my mom was so used to making me grilled cheeses that she kept right on making me grilled cheeses.
This is how Hollywood works. We want something. They make it. We grow tired of it. They keep making it. They’re always a step or two behind. Film, by its very nature, lacks the immediacy of television.
This, and hundreds of legalities involving copyright laws, is how The Amazing Spider-man got made.
Now, fuck the fanboys, I don’t give a shit if a movie’s a reboot, a preboot, a re-pre-mid-post-boot. I care if a movie’s good. So, sure, we could go for hours on if the film was necessary but that seems futile and, frankly, to fucking geeky for the purpose of this badass-chick-fucking-blog.
Nope, we’re honing this review in on a simple fucking question that every movie comes down to: is it good?
A million fucking shitty superhero films over: the Amazing Spider-man has all the right moves. Looking back on Raimi’s film, it’s amazing how hollow it feels now, like it was too preoccupied with being campy to actually tell a story.
The Amazing Spider-man grounds most of the character, if not the story itself, firmly in the real world. And, more importantly, the director makes Peter Parker a dude you’d want to take a swing with.
For the real humans out there, not the comic douchebags, Spiderman is about a kid who gets bit by a magical spider that grants wishes. The boy wishes to have spider powers, I guess, cause next thing ya know he’s sticking to walls and spooging out webbing from his dick. He also meets this dude who’d rather have an arm than a cock, so he shoots himself up with lizard jizz and grows an arm while losing a cock.
Anyway, they fight a bunch and that’s fucking rad. Sometimes you’re like, “Fuck yeah, I’m gonna punch everyone in the face this is so hella cool.” But, make no mistake, the meat of story actually is what happens when one of the creators of Facebook tries to bang the Superbad Chick.
Because, I mean, that’s what being a super hero is actually about, right? Why save the world and shit when you can fuck hotties? Or, better yet, save the world AND fuck hotties. Luckily Facebook Peter Parker has got things on lock and has enough charisma for you to forget Toby Whatshisname.