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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I promise you, he does nothing awesome with that ax.

You know what should be awesome? Watching Abraham Lincoln slice the face off of undead fuckers. You  know what isn’t awesome? Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

And, we can go around all night listing the various reasons why this gem of an idea fumbled but the fault ultimately lies with tone; because, obviously, people aren’t going to this movie to see a stone dour reinterpretation of one of our most beloved Presidents. FUCK NO!!!

People are going into this turd wanting to see a knowingly schlocky turd, a fun turd: an action packed, boobie fulled, fuck fest with plenty of disemboweled heads. It’s in the fucking name!!!! There should be nothing serious or legitimate about this. It’s already disrespectful with its name, fucking run with it!!!

Yet, somehow, someway, director Timur Bekmambetov manages to suck everything inherently awesome about this premise and turn it into a poor man’s Wanted, which he also directed, which wasn’t that awesome either.

I can’t even tell you want happened in this film. The action scenes where so sloppy it became a chore to follow them, what the stakes were, which is vital to a good action film. Instead it was just a bunch of slow motion shots that blurred any real sense of real violence and dread.

The only parts I remember clearly where scenes that decided, with the random accuracy of a five-year old playing darts, to take Lincoln’s history seriously. It was bizarre and unnecessary for, again, a film that should be a direct to video porno.

Remember when Snakes on a Plane came out? And everyone was SO pumped but nobody went out to support the final film? They were wrong. Snakes on a Plane ruled. Mother Fucking Samuel Fucking L. Goddamn Mother Fucking Jackson cussed and killed snakes. There was even a scene where a chick got her nipple bit off. It was sweet.

It’s a great case of a movie giving a very specific audience exactly what they wanted to see. It flabbergasts me that Abe Lincoln could swing so wide at the same group and miss by that much.

Final Grade: F+


About dudebroreviews

I like banging chicks, drinking brews, and ordering porn on demand. Like the biggest boss you've ever seen.

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