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Snow White and the Hunstman

                Die Jesus Bella! Die!

               A movie often lives or dies by the chemistry of the actors, especially in a romance. It’s why most people watch films instead of pornos. Cause, honestly, it’d be a lot easier to watch a couple of strangers bang without any back story.

                Instead we choose to focus on the backstory: why do these people want to fuck? Is it believable that the want to fuck? Should I even give a fuck that they want to fuck?

                You’d be surprised how often Hollywood just doesn’t care about these questions. They think, just because they have a male lead and a female lead, the audience should want them to fuck. Again, that’s what pornos are for. It’s also the reason Snow White and the Huntsman fails.

                So Drunken Thor is hired by Evil Queen Aeon Flux to kill Jesus Bella. Those two aren’t the problem though. Thor and Aeon Flux practically ooze likability, even when one is the bad guy. You just want to watch them. They’re my favorite type of actors: one I would want to chug a beer with.

                It’s Jesus Bella. She’s supposed to save everyone, destined to in fact. It’s never clear why or how she’s so special. She just walks on water and comes back to life. She’s also boring as shit to watch.

                Jesus Bella thinks acting involves biting her lower lip. That misguided style also mucks up every scene she shares with Drunken Thor, who we’re supposed to root for as a romantic lead. Instead you watch two hours of Drunk Thor talking to a wood plank, working overtime to steal any sort of emotion from it. But you can’t force a plank to have emotions any more than you can force chemistry, which makes the emotional center of the film hollow and boring.

                Then we have a whole other set of problems whenever Jesus Bella has to work against Evil Queen Aeon Flux. She’s outclassed in every way imaginable. Their fight at the end, in which Jesus Bella swings her sword wildly to a bored and unimpressed Aeon Flux is more than telling, it’s depressing. Aeon Flux deserved a better enemy. And Drunken Thor needs to fuck the chick from Black Swan instead. 


About dudebroreviews

I like banging chicks, drinking brews, and ordering porn on demand. Like the biggest boss you've ever seen.

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