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I'm gonna looch my Subway sandwich all over your afro.

I’m a pretty gluttonous dude. If something is awesome, I want more of it. Like, when I go to Subway, I don’t fuck around with one topping, or even two toppings. I want all of the toppings. Meatballs? Sure. Jalapenos? You bet your asshole. Just pile everything behind the bar onto a footer and I’ll be happy.

At least for an hour or so.

Then the obvious problem with having it all rears it’s ugly head and I spend three hours squat on a toilet cursing the Subway Gods for having so many accessible toppings.

Madagascar 3 is a fully loaded Subway sandwich.

There’s just too much going on to focus on any one aspect. So instead you’re treaded to half assed barely-stories that get wrapped up in ten seconds. The Giraffe From Friends can’t dance? Let’s have him learn how five seconds later. The Zoolander Lion wants to date a Leopard? Ok, done!

Really, this problem has plagued every Madagascar movie. They think fast paced jokes and boring visual gags are enough to blind the audience into thinking there’s actually a plot.

There isn’t.

Or, well, there is. They join a circus and put on a show, a truly visually stunning show, actually. But it doesn’t feel earned. They haven’t had any kind of real struggle. So you just end up wanting to punch the person next to you in the face.

The only character who manages any amount of dignity and radicalness is the Walter White Tiger. He has a clear, emotionally effective backstory. He’s never used for pointless jokes. And he actually has a character arc that impacts the film’s finale.

Stay away unless you have kids.

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