Michael Bay is too subtle. Thankfully Peter Burg came along to show him how to make films. I mean, why have ten explosions when you can have 50 million explosions?!? And why have Foxy Megan chicks when you can look at Decker Brooklyn chicks??!?! And why have single solar flares on screen when you can have an ENITRE screen of solar flares?!?!?!
So the Navy is playing Battleship, in Battleship, when these alien dudes come down and decide to be like, “Fuck you guys!!! We’re killing you with our giant alien dicks!!!”
Then boats blow up.
No people blew up. Well. That’s a lie. People did blow up but not on screen. It was a wasted opportunity.
The alien dudes sucked though. I didn’t get them. They were reptiles that looked like monkeys that had porcupine hair that wore robot suits. Believe me, that sounds awesome, I know. It wasn’t because, first, they looked like lame reptile porcupine robot monkeys and, second, they didn’t blow anyone up. So you get bored looking at them and start to wonder if they have porcupine hair on their cocks and how much that must hurt the women they fuck. But then you realize the chicks probably have porcupine hair on their snatches so it probably evens out.
Honestly, you won’t remember much of this film, it’s big, loud, stupid, and no tits. But it had enough sheer testosterone and explosions to entertain me while I sat there chugging a Big Gulp and eating Red Vines.